Saturday, January 20, 2007
It's some time later before you realise that the roles have reversed.
The one whom you've come to depend upon, now depends on you for a sort of security that's almost disturbing. The further away you push yourself, the tighter you nail the lid over your coffin. While my mom was talking to me, tears in her eyes, I realised this.
So what if I hate her melodramatic antics, as though we were a household in a 24hr korean soap opera. So what if she can be so unreasonable. So what if I hate the fact that she'll never begin to understand the impact of what she has, or has not done. I don't need her to be a perfect mother, and I'm not pinpointing her flaws. But what I need is for her to trust me. Trust that I should be able to tell right from wrong. Trust that my morals are stronger then my yearning for fun, and to please people whom I love. Trust me, simply because I'm your daughter. And that, I realise, is never going to happen. It doesn't matter whether or not I earn or have earned it, but this is the way she's come to see things. I can never be trusted to be who I am or make the decisions that I want to make, because that's just the way she sees it- no fight. But sadly, this world isn't only viewed through a pair of eyes. No matter, everything in this family may only be approved by one pair of eyes- that's hers.
I spent a pretty long time trying to trace the roots of her paranoia, and I couldn't find any other reason. Rape? Lack of safety? Whatever crazy danger lurks outside, lurks regardless of the time. The root of it? She just wants me to spend time with her. Basically, it all boils down to this- I don't feel you love me enough. So if I have to do anything and everything to compel you to love me, then I will.
At first I felt repulsed, angry, disgusted, disturbed, then comes this overwhelming sense of sadness. Where have I failed? Where can I make amends? How can I undo the knots you have made in your life, how do you want me to make you feel better? There's only so much I can do, even if I spend the time you require with you, because I have my own life to live eventually. We are all self-centered, not always because we want to be.
It's sad that no one in this family can understand where I'm coming from. I'm not outrightly rebelling, just because. But isn't it time to let go? Life has enough restraints for you to face the worse ones in your own home. Why does the harshest judgement come from people who claim to love you?
If you love me, respect my decisions.
If you love me, what I need is your quiet advice at the most, not your sarcastic or dictatorial comments.
If you love me, you will not threaten me nor judge me critcally, or worse, use our relationship to blackmail me by saying 'it's over'.
If you love me, what matters to you is my happiness.
I'm tired of people who claim to love me but all they end up piling upon me is pressure, and endless expectations and hurtful comments. Family, cellgroup, why do we invest time in people who can't invest in you the same way you hope they would?
I don't need you to do anything for me. I just need you to be by my side.
Unfortunately, you went for every other single weapon you could and fired at me, when what I really needed was for you to hold my hand.
I'm disappointed.
And on another note, if you want me to meet you so we can talk about YOUR problems, please go to hell. That's all we ever did, didn't you realise?
debbie at 11:01 AM