Thursday, August 31, 2006

so you know, i've been chained to this desk for 4 days convincing people that they need to attend a business conference that costs $188 as though it's a matter of life and death. i seriously wonder what people are doing when they answer my phone calls. i don't even want to think about it when i hear heavy breathing, hushed voices and echoes in the background. this angmoh guy spent 7 mins trying to convince me that he met me before at a meeting and would seriously need my handphone number because he's got a really bad memory. it didn't help that i "sound exactly" like whichever girl he claims i sound like. HA.

kkkkk going back.

debbie at 12:15 AM

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

If I could spin a hundred stories
Feed the fantasies of a thousand kids
Find them a million fairylands to prance about
For the next few years spread the joy
If I can sustain the dreams of the little ones
Then prolong their childhood one minute more
Just let them taste the last cotton candy
And the last thrill of the rollercoaster ride
Before it crashes into adolescence and
Before the gates of the amusement park closes
Before the guards of no humour hush them out
Like candles that give off whisps of smoke
Blown out and stepped upon
If I can kiss ten different faces
Every colour and every culture
If I can hear the voices of the children's giggles
Like a street parade with glamourous costumes
And clanging cymbals and blowing trumpets
Before the heavy red curtain falls
You know when they hold the lollipops in their hands
You know those bright-eyed faces and smeared lips
It's so hard not to relent
You know if I could feed their hopes and dreams
Just give them comfort for a minute
Drown them in love for a second
Find them a Mother, Father, siblings and friends
Embrace them
Let the lights never be turned off
It'll never be dark and the
Carousel's always spinning, with the merry-go-round
This is Disney Land
You know I would give anything, anything
Anything for them
Anything for dreams to persist
Little ones forever asleep
Can the alarm clock not go off
Please don't
Let them bear the burden of our sins

debbie at 9:08 AM

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

I've tried living by myself, for myself and what I want, and believing that I alone have the power to control my own life.

I've tried, I really have.

And it didn't work out.

When you come to a point where you realise that sometimes things happen beyond your understanding or control, you lose it. Because all along, your hope is that you control everything. And things that mess up are also because of you. But it's not always the case...

Unfair, tragic things do happen to good people. Things happen regardless of who you are or what you have done that may be totally undeserving.

So you realise, if I don't believe somebody's in control of this world, then I only have one other alternative- to believe that the world is made up of a series of totally random events that have no meaning at all.

I don't care how people call this reality. I don't care how people say I'd rather believe this then to put my trust in some God that I can't even say for sure exists.

I choose to believe because there are a great deal of things that I want to believe in that won't happen without God. The belief that someone watches what goes on and keeps track of the fallen, the accused, the victims, the depressed, and people who have no one to help them keep scores of their lifetime, the people whom society says has no value.

I don't care if you say its illogical, contradictory, or that its an emotional choice.

It is a choice that I've made, and this is it.

I will risk my life for a belief rather then the other alternative which is too bleak, far too hopeless for me.

debbie at 12:21 PM

Thursday, August 17, 2006

In a life that's forever intertwined with people, you can never escape; you can never hide from a face.

In a city that's piled high vertically horizontally in every direction with people; you can never retreat from a face.

In every breath, in every morning, with every step, you stumble along your way with people. In every chance you get alone it is someone's voice or memory that goes along with you. You are never alone, you are never who you are without people. They have become a part of who you are. You are born into a world swimming with faces, and will leave seeing the same school of faces that brush past you on the street, full of apathy. We're never alone, how could we ever have thought we were? On every page, every word, every picture, every thought, every noise, in every bustle of the city someone's lives interlinks with ours.

We don't ever really belong to ourselves. Every action we take has an effect on somebody else. We're part of a big picture, a body of humanity that's falling apart as we all struggle for an individuality that doesn't ever really exist. And no matter how similar and how close in proximity we are to each other, we're still finding loneliness in the midst of a crowd. Yes, people every way you look, and yet none of them, none of them are satisfied. Yes, people on the streets, on the public transport, and every one of them knows the silence that wakes them up abruptly in the wee hours of the morning, and the very real fear of life crashing down.

Where is God in all of this? Can it be...? That we need him more then he needs us? Because look at the scores of people living around you. Remember every soul that has passed your life. We're all dissatisfied, all crumble apart. We all need to believe that we're meant for something more- that we were meant to live for so much more. Not money, not education, not people or status, but something more fulfilling, something eternal, something time and tide, or the fallible memories of people can never take away from us.

So you're lost at sea. You're too far out to swim by yourself. You have only have two options. You can choose to believe someone knows about your situation, loves you, and will come and rescue you. Or you can choose to believe that you will drown, and you will die.

Now you're out there swimming.

------------------------------------------

Crash (Score), In the Deep by Bird York

thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
but something happens
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.
now you're out there swimming
in the deep.
in the deep.

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... let go
till you shed your pride and you climb to heaven
and you throw yourself off.
now you're out there spinning
in the deep.
in the deep.
in the deep.
in the deep.

INTERLUDE

and now you're out there spinning
and now you're out there swimming
in the deep.
in the deep.

IN THE SILENCE
ALL YOUR SECRETS WILL
RAISE THEIR WEARY HEADS
WELL, YOU CAN'T PIN YOURSELF
BACK TOGETHER WITH WHO
YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE

NOW YOU'RE OUT THERE LIVING
IN THE DEEP
IN THE DEEP
IN THE DEEP

in the deep.

NOW YOU'RE OUT THERE SPINNING
NOW YOU'RE OUT THERE SWIMMING
NOW YOU'RE OUT THERE SPINNING
IN THE DEEP
IN THE DEEP
IN THE DEEP
IN THE DEEP
IN THE DEEP

(if you want to be given everything,
give everything up.)

debbie at 4:36 AM

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Hey...

Don't you think I know how tough it is for you?

Don't you think I know how difficult it is to be perfect?

Why do we strive to be, anyway?

What's it worth?

Because if we live for an ideal, it makes our life have more meaning and purpose then our ordinary existence. Because if we live for big dreams, dreams bigger then our lives, it makes our lives big.

So you think I don't know?

I do know that all your life you've been struggling to live up to a dream that sometimes is so elusive you want to give up. I do know that you cling onto it anyway. I do know that sometimes its so difficult, the way you try and try again. I do know that you're at the end of the rope and holding onto the frayed ends. I know the sweat is on your brow and your skin is bruised. I know you've fought a thousand battles to survive, I know it doesn't mean bravery to anyone. I know it's tiring and lonely that no one gets you. I know it's getting colder where you are. I know the tears don't fall anymore, somtimes they harden in your heart. I know the people have slowly vanished, and who's taken them or have they walked away? You don't know, and it doesn't matter anymore, does it? I know what it's like to mess up your life. I know what's it like not to be appreciated, not to be loved, not to be understood, to be alone.

So, my beautiful stranger.

We don't know each other, but every morning we struggle to wake with the same questions. Everyday we live with the same difficulties.

We're not so very different. You are not so different from me, and I'm not so different from you.

We all crave the same things- love, acceptance...

It doesn't matter our race, gender, religion, or family background. Are we so different from each other?

Can't we empathise with each other, love a little more?

We're not so very different, you and I.

We've always been in each other's shoes, didn't you realise?

debbie at 8:52 PM

Thursday, August 03, 2006

When I was a girl my Father sat my twin sister and I down to teach us how to draw. Nevermind that what he drew were stick figures- that I can replicate to this very day, or that our flowers were much more intricate. Until today, I have that memory etched in my mind. It's not a particularly fantastic time, or a 'hollywood' moment. It was simply a very beautiful afternoon, where the sun is bright but you don't feel the humidity or heat. We're sitting at the dining hall table in the house before we moved, and our Dad sits at the head of the table with us at his left and right. A similar memory has him guiding my twin's hand to write the alphabets because when she was young she always wrote them upside down. He pespires easily, so he is frowning as he writes with her. And when they are done, she doesn't understand the significance that she has just wrote her first perfect set of the alphabet, and he is grinning from ear to ear.

Unlike my Mom, my Dad has never hit me. He has raised his hand to do so before, but then always at the last moment as I desperately pull off my best pathetic face, he walks away sighing. He's like the mother in the family- he stocks the toiletries, buys the groceries, is soft-hearted ultimately, and is very very vain. He buys facial products and is really worried about losing his hair and those wrinkles around his eyes. He blushes and laughs when you tell him he's handsome (which he secretly thinks so anyway). He worries about everything and has the weirdest sense of humour.

Last night my twin and I asked him if he was excited to have twins when my Mom was pregnant.

Dad: Excited?? (frowns) WORRIED! Everything also buy double- basket, diapers, milk powder..
Us: BASKET?! why basket also need to worry..
Dad: I was thinking, I could also buy one can of milk powder and dilute it for you both... (evil gleam in eyes)

A Father gives a girl steadfast security and protection, and his love will always be an assurance for her.


Anyway, I LOVE YOU DADDY, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

debbie at 9:51 PM