Sunday, December 31, 2006

Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing but I go ahead anyway.

I do make mistakes. I do make decisions that I may regret later. I do contradict myself to the point there is no edge left to stand. I do do things that I hate. If you expect me to fit the mould you have in your mind of who I am, don't blame me if I disappoint because I need room to make mistakes. This is not an excuse.

I just need some kind of reassurance that it's okay to make mistakes. That I can still be accepted and loved even when my mistakes are so glaringly obvious. That the God I serve is not judged on my own wilful conduct (but why not on His?). That there is no way anyone can always be a good representation of Christ because he is perfection.

This is not an excuse- that I'm imperfect. This is just the plea of a christian begging the rest of the world to stop watching the mistakes of christians. To stop watching the mistakes of christians when our God did not throw a thunderbolt and commanded us to do what terrible hypocritical things it is that christians sometimes do.

Yes, our God is good. We? We may not be.
Yes, our God is righteous. We? We may not be.
Yes, our God has the right to judge. We? We do not have.
Yes, our God is sinless. We? We're sinners always.
Yes, our God is wise. We? We beg for wisdom, christian or not.
Yes, our God knows everything. We? We can only speculate, assume?

What our God is we can only TRY to emulate. But is it ever possible for humanity to reach God's standards? I really doubt a lifetime is ever enough.

Don't judge God by the things that christians sometimes do.

Rather, let God judge us.

Don't be turned off by the evangelism of christians as them boasting how "wonderful" their life is, and you watch to see that they can't handle a single thing.

See evangelism as this- that at the heart of it was a man who died for an altruistic motive of saving the world (whether or not you believe he succeeded).

Why are we forgetting the price that he paid?

It was not for anyone to be elevated or put down in his death- but for the most broken, the lost, the depressed, to come into reconcilliation with someone who loves them more than life.

I don't care that my life and that of other christians is not exemplary. Honestly? I doubt it'll ever be. It won't be. How many Mother Theresas can there be? So don't watch us. Watch past the foolish pride of christians in their own salvation to the thing that gave them that chance in the first place.

I don't know why some christians can brand themselves up and be all so happy with their own salvation. I mean, seriously? Our Saviour was a half-dead man carrying his cross, pounded by the crowd into crucification. Our salvation? Our salvation? I mean, hello, you can only qualify for salvation if you are a sinner. Anyone isn't? Where is the divide? Jesus didn't die for "such a divide", he died "such a cause" as 'reconciliation'.

Because the most lousy person doesn't change the fact that He dragged a wooden cross- half-beaten to a place where he could be hammered in by nails through the marrow of his bones- with the belief that it'll save the world.

Naive? Yeah, maybe. By the way, we call him the Saviour.

In 2007, I just want to shut my ears to the accusations of other people, and my eyes to what christians are doing. Not exemplary? I look at the President of the christian nation of America, and I seriously doubt how exemplary any one christian can be. Not perfect!

In 2007 I just want everyone and anyone to see the price He paid.

God is still good, all the time.

The word 'Us' makes a very different equation.

debbie at 2:00 PM

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The battle nobody knows we fight
Lies right behind our minds
In the dark of the night
The scars it leaves behind
Leaps out from the corner of your eye
That slight tremble of your lips
And we know the words you say
Every tone and enuciation
Reveals the struggle
It's the greatest war and
the one given the least importance
Comrades raise your weapons
And fire at yourselves
I think nobody knows the truth
Is that we can never win
A war against ourselves

I think I'm tired of the lies
The ones we make up to forget
"Forge forward" i mean
The ones to pretend to have
Or rather that we "lack"
The things we trip over
Sorry it's called "leaving behind"
Different terminology
We name things but that doesn't
Make them any different
From what they really are
Why are we trying so hard
To lie to ourselves?

I wonder if this war exists
Or another child's play that I've taken far too seriously.

debbie at 8:51 AM

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Recently I've been thinking about the people who have passed through my life.

You know their backgrounds, their life stories, and the things they've gone through. Maybe they shared with you their fears and sorrow, they called you when they were melancholic, depressed, afraid. Was I really there for them? Were they really there for me?

We always say we want to be there for each other- but what does it mean? You can't always be there for everyone, we all know the truth deep inside. It sounds warm, sweet, let's go through this together, forever. But how?

Nobody can be there for you when you're in darkness, in death. You're alone, and you're taking every step knowing that even if you grabbed at the hands of people you've come to depend upon, you cannot pull them in with you. You want to be bitter and angry with the people who let you down, or maybe you're convinced that you're really thankful to so-and-so for being there for you.

But nobody was actually there with you, walking every step that you took, feeling every nuance of emotion, during every fight behind your mind. Everyone stands at the sidelines and watch you, because they cannot join you.

When you fall, between the stares of people, the sound of your own heartbeat and the voices in your head- who is it that can really stand in you, with you, and for you?

Because people can only do so much, they can't be the faith in your heart.

When people say they understand- how much can they really understand? They can never understand what it really is that you're going through, unless they live right under your skin, settled in the most secret part of your heart. Understand the way you think and why you think the way you do. More then understand you, love you, right through to your ugliest awkward silly stupid parts.

This is intimacy that even your lover can never share.

This is what we all crave...

I'm glad I've found who it is who lives there.

Ask me, cos i'll be glad to share :)

debbie at 9:28 PM

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Eph 6:12

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood,
but against principalities,
against powers,
against the rulers of the darkness of this world,
against spiritual wickedness in high places.

-

Sometimes I wonder if we're being too hard on God.

We believe so easily in ghosts, demonic posessions, hauntings and all sorts of dark spirituality. But when you talk about God, people find it so hard to swallow. They want proof, scientific evidence, some tangible substance to show that God is real. But when it comes to anything remotely demonic, hardly any explanation is needed. Give them a spooky photo and they will come up with some half-baked explanation by themselves. Its so easy for people to believe in the devil and yet so hard for them to believe in God. Maybe the devil is more successful in evangelism then any of us- he is too eager to prove how real hell is, he brings it into our lives. And ironically, we believe him.

We all choose our own perceptions over reality.

debbie at 8:01 AM