This world can be harsh enough Judgment strangles Insanity sometimes is Sufficient for me.
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debbie at 11:07 AM
Sunday, January 28, 2007
I read your messages then decided not to reply.
I didn't give up on myself.
I gave up on you.
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It's wrong to say, we only want love from the people we want to love us.
That isn't love at all, it's too selfish to be love. It's cheapening love, it's wanting attention, being self-seeking, that's pride.
Because the truth is, if it's sincere love, a part of us will always be open to and touched by it from anyone at all.
It doesn't matter how they look or how it's done, what they do or what role/form it comes in. Even when it comes in the wrong packaging, if it's sincere love, it's bound to touch to some extent.
It will, because nobody rejects love.
And if it's rejected, then it must never have been love to begin with, but affections with selfish intentions.
debbie at 11:31 AM
Friday, January 26, 2007
1. I like it when I'm with people I love. 2. I like it when I can talk and act without feeling self-concious because I know I'm accepted anyway. 3. I like sleeping until I wake up naturally. 4. I like late afternoons and late nights. 5. I like catching up with people I haven't met for months. 6. I like friends who can talk to me as if we haven't missed a single day together. 7. I like staying up late reflecting on everything as the music plays and feeling content. 8. I like music that's got meaningful lyrics. 9. I like ice-cream and all things sweet and cold. 10. I like walking in places I've never been to. 11. I like to have a good conversation, one where I am understood. 12. I like it when it rains and I walk alone and breathe in the scent of rain on the grass. 13. I like the crazy ktv sessions. 14. I like reading a good book that makes me think. 15. I like going to the arcade just to be juvenile for awhile. 16. I like the feeling of riding a bicycle. 17. I like the feeling of receiving a letter. 18. I like when my sisters go crazy with me. 19. I like receiving a wake-up call because somebody bothers about my day. 20. I like lazing on your bed, and holding your hand.
I like doing what I want to do when I want to do it.
Why don't we live in the present? That's all we have, NOW. A few seconds later and even 'now' passes away... ...
Simple pleasures. I don't need it to be so over-the-top, so sophisticated, so grand...
I just want to be happy.
debbie at 11:08 AM
Saturday, January 20, 2007
The All American Rejects - It Ends Tonight
Your subtleties They strangle me I can't explain myself at all. And all the wants And all the needs All I don't want to need at all.
The walls start breathing My mind's unweaving Maybe it's best you leave me alone. A weight is lifted On this evening I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light, It ends tonight It ends tonight.
A falling star Least I fall alone. I can't explain what you can't explain. You're finding things that you didn't know I look at you with such disdain
The walls start breathing My mind's unweaving Maybe it's best you leave me alone. A weight is lifted On this evening I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light It ends tonight, It ends tonight. Just a little insight won't make this right It's too late to fight It ends tonight, It ends tonight.
Now I'm on my own side It's better than being on your side It's my fault when you're blind It's better that I see it through your eyes
All these thoughts locked inside Now you're the first to know
When darkness turns to light It ends tonight, It ends tonight. Just a little insight won't make this right It's too late to fight It ends tonight, It ends
When darkness turns to light It ends tonight, It ends tonight. Just a little insight won't make this right It's too late to fight It ends tonight, It ends tonight.
Tonight Insight When darkness turns to light, It ends tonight.
debbie at 12:27 PM
It's some time later before you realise that the roles have reversed.
The one whom you've come to depend upon, now depends on you for a sort of security that's almost disturbing. The further away you push yourself, the tighter you nail the lid over your coffin. While my mom was talking to me, tears in her eyes, I realised this.
So what if I hate her melodramatic antics, as though we were a household in a 24hr korean soap opera. So what if she can be so unreasonable. So what if I hate the fact that she'll never begin to understand the impact of what she has, or has not done. I don't need her to be a perfect mother, and I'm not pinpointing her flaws. But what I need is for her to trust me. Trust that I should be able to tell right from wrong. Trust that my morals are stronger then my yearning for fun, and to please people whom I love. Trust me, simply because I'm your daughter. And that, I realise, is never going to happen. It doesn't matter whether or not I earn or have earned it, but this is the way she's come to see things. I can never be trusted to be who I am or make the decisions that I want to make, because that's just the way she sees it- no fight. But sadly, this world isn't only viewed through a pair of eyes. No matter, everything in this family may only be approved by one pair of eyes- that's hers.
I spent a pretty long time trying to trace the roots of her paranoia, and I couldn't find any other reason. Rape? Lack of safety? Whatever crazy danger lurks outside, lurks regardless of the time. The root of it? She just wants me to spend time with her. Basically, it all boils down to this- I don't feel you love me enough. So if I have to do anything and everything to compel you to love me, then I will.
At first I felt repulsed, angry, disgusted, disturbed, then comes this overwhelming sense of sadness. Where have I failed? Where can I make amends? How can I undo the knots you have made in your life, how do you want me to make you feel better? There's only so much I can do, even if I spend the time you require with you, because I have my own life to live eventually. We are all self-centered, not always because we want to be.
It's sad that no one in this family can understand where I'm coming from. I'm not outrightly rebelling, just because. But isn't it time to let go? Life has enough restraints for you to face the worse ones in your own home. Why does the harshest judgement come from people who claim to love you?
If you love me, respect my decisions.
If you love me, what I need is your quiet advice at the most, not your sarcastic or dictatorial comments.
If you love me, you will not threaten me nor judge me critcally, or worse, use our relationship to blackmail me by saying 'it's over'.
If you love me, what matters to you is my happiness.
I'm tired of people who claim to love me but all they end up piling upon me is pressure, and endless expectations and hurtful comments. Family, cellgroup, why do we invest time in people who can't invest in you the same way you hope they would?
I don't need you to do anything for me. I just need you to be by my side.
Unfortunately, you went for every other single weapon you could and fired at me, when what I really needed was for you to hold my hand.
I'm disappointed.
And on another note, if you want me to meet you so we can talk about YOUR problems, please go to hell. That's all we ever did, didn't you realise?
debbie at 11:01 AM
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
THANK YOU. For being so random and crappy... but truthful. For shocking me this morning with a surprise visit and McDonald's breakfast and sending me to all the way to Jurong East before going all the way back to Farrer Park. WAH. For carrying the heaviest suitcase. risk looking like a terrorist. haha :p For always catching the last 147 (thank God it comes). For peeling my prawns. For paying for me. For walking me home. For listening to me. For being patient. For being supportive.
To Mr. Optimal Solution, because his solution is always optimal... uhuh uhuh.
Funny isn't it... How we always know when concern is genuine.
Same how we can tell when it isn't... And I'm not going to bother with that. :)
I'm not so cheap that last-minute concern can buy you my affections.
Lalala. Life is finally stabilising. GRADUATION IS COMING!!! :D :D :D
EVERY ENDING IS A NEW BEGINNING.
debbie at 10:31 PM
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking When you fall everyone sins Another day and you've had your fill of sinking With the life held in your Hands are shaking cold These hands are meant to hold
Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong Move along, move along like I know you do And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along just to make it through Move along Move along
So a day when you've lost yourself completely Could be a night when your life ends Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving All the pain held in your Hands are shaking cold Your hands are mine to hold
Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong Move along, move along like I know you do And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along just to make it through Move along (Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong we move along (Go on, go on, go on, go on) When everything is wrong, we move along Along, along, along
When all you got to keep is strong Move along, move along like I know you do And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along just to make it through [x3]
(Move along) (Go on, go on, go on, go on) Right back what is wrong We move along
The All American Rejects- Move Along.
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People let me down that I don't know who to trust. I know, I've let you down too. My own heart can't be trusted, because it's moved so easily. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore, or how to see that. I can't trust you and I can't trust myself. But all I know is that God is sovereign and He loves me. If ever I'm at the edge of the cliff, He will save me. When the whole world doesn't give me the support I need, misunderstands me, I know that He will be there for me.
What is a good life? What is screwing it up? Do you really know?
The truth is that you don't know, you just think you do.
So move along, move along...
God will watch over my life, and the only one I'm truly accountable to. I'm only answerable to Him for what I do. He who holds the universe in his hands, already knows how everthing ends. He knows me better than I know myself- my capability, my limitations, my thoughts even before they are formed. I trust that He is sovereign.
Move along, move along just to make it through.
debbie at 10:29 PM
Monday, January 01, 2007
We're simple creatures- humans. We just want love. It doesn't matter what form it arrives in, we crave it. And if we can't find it in some place we'll try another. And another. and another. and another. If you won't give it, somebody else will. What you're not willing to take somebody else will accept. What you're not willing to give somebody will sacrifice. What you're not willing to love somebody will cherish. We go on finding finding finding.
It's funny the people who I've turned away from and who've turned away from me. What a crazy game we play. And isn't it tiring...