Friday, June 30, 2006
I feel that the older I grow the more I lose my sense of imagination. What happened? Words, characters, stories, drawings, inspiration that used to flow so easily now struggle to stream by. Time alone that used to be fun has just become lonely. My optimism has just turned into a depression I fight to keep at bay, sometimes so dark and acute I can't control. My love for people has curdled into something sour, something I have to constantly remind myself to do. My heart that used to be so soft is now hard with criticism and rejection. I older I grow the more I want to escape- but from what? I built this reality, this personality, this life I wake up to by my own choices. I'm weak, its true. But when I was young, I never dreamt so often of leaving the country to some foreign wonderland. No, I was so happy every morning to a future so distant and misty but nontheless existant. When I was young, I never craved for the things that I do now. When I was young, I never made excuses for my own emotions or for other people just to satisfy and patch up my own illusions. I never used to be so afraid of the unknown. I never used to be so tired all the time. I never used to be bored, period. I never used to be so withdrawn and closed-up. When I got lost in my thoughts, it was in fantasies and daydreams, not in doubts and fears. Life never used to be so monotonous and so boring, and frighteningly so.
Ah, I just want to be a kid again. You think the things they do are childish? Sometimes they have even more fun then us- so, seriously, what do kids have to look forward to in adulthood if it isn't more fun? Sssh, don't tell them it can be so bleak. Let's tell them what we were told, whatever will be, will be.
ISA 44:3 For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry
ground; I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring, and my blessing on
your descendants.
debbie at 3:19 PM