This morning I heard my mother crying in the shower.
I was packing my bag when i heard her whimpering and my heart almost broke- because, obviously, she hadn't intended on me listening. Then it striked me that she's so human. This is the woman who raised me and while I always thought she had all the answers, the older I grew, the more I realised that she wasn't perfect- but its one thing to know that she's not perfect and another to know that she's still struggling. She's lived through half her life and still crumbles apart. It takes a lot for a woman to be strong and carry on as if she's invincible, and then just when she thinks no one listens, fall apart. I don't know how to deal with it, because she's always this aggressive and domineering person, but suddenly she's even more fragile then a child.
So she steps out of the shower looking distraught and tells me, "bebe pray for me."
Maybe you live half your life and find that the world is as harsh, as cold, as it ever was. All your idealistic dreams of the future when you were growing up starts to disintegrate, and there's nothing left but the reality that everything's still the way it is. How do you deal with disappointments like this when it's your life that you're betting will get better and then it doesn't? And even after living half your life, you still realise life doesn't get better by yourself, you still find a need to turn to God, and tell your daughter "pray for me".
After living half your life, after all this time... you still find that you need God.
I wish I could take her place and undo the mistakes and the things she regrets. I wish I could help her to rewind time, take away all the painful experiences. I wish I could improve her life, somehow, and i don't know how to do that. It becomes very clear to me that the way she is today is a result of the choices she made yesterday. It becomes very clear to me that all these time, only one person has truly been with her and for her- and that's God. I've seen my relatives and her friends leave her one by one, and then it amazes me that while everything that could have gone wrong has gone wrong, she still finds the faith to believe that God exists because to her his presence has never really left her, and his love touches her until today. And I'm amazed at how God has never left her because of the miracles that he's done for her. When I was younger I was sceptical, but then it gets to a point that there are too many coincidences.
What is life? You can only make a decision today what you want your life to be for, and don't make a mistake about it, because forty years down the road, I don't want to fall apart in the shower, hoping my daughter doesn't hear me.
I was reading the fifth mountain by Paulo Coelho. The prophet says, my entire life is a wager. I bet that God exists. You know what, I bet he does too. What's the risk?
debbie at 7:25 PM