marisa sarah zara debbie jinghui

2007-02-12T11:21:00.000-08:00

Move Along!

www.holdthemoment.blogspot.com

:)

2007-02-05T14:43:00.000-08:00

I put my archives up.

I can't believe how much I've changed.

But in a way I'm grateful for it.

Hi 2007!

2007-02-03T09:04:00.000-08:00

H A P P Y. :)

2007-02-02T09:17:00.000-08:00

I should like to be able to separate myself from fact and logic.

Take one step out of this foot, and another, out of this body, and slide down the rabbit hole. Alice said she’d take me further than where the storytellers believe. I should like to leave this little whimpering girl at a corner of the library, and let her whine and sob, and slowly find her own form of amusement amongst dusty dreamers’ written worlds while I run away.

I should like to watch her from afar as she struggles with people’s expectations and twisted love. I could just watch her, watch the way she lives the seconds that clock away her death. I could tell her that nothing would change the way the world is set, and that people will be the first to give her dreams, and then they would break them. It isn’t the dreams but the people who are castles made of sand. Life is a crystal ball she’s taught to juggle.

I could watch her when she sleeps and swallows, when she gasps for breath and tries to live because the difficulty is in the truth that it boils down to this humdrum. Existence is in this one moment of breath that can be worth so little.

If I left her alone how would she be able to survive? What if she starved? And all the people who felt that they loved her so much, how would I be able to tell her the cutting accuracy is that they could merely love the idea of it? How can I tell her that she can stand on the pulpit too, and it could end up with her preaching and believing in nothing? If I left her by the roadside and let her wander dirty and barefooted while the sound of traffic drowns her out, until the grass grows taller and covers her feet, her legs and then who she is, where will she end up?

She would use her tiny hand to grip mine, little fingers that wouldn’t slide off even if I pried, and tell me that she hopes to believe people are kind. But darling, what the world sees is that it's a case of cruel to be kind.

I don’t know what I could tell her, because there’s nothing left. Down this dark abyss, turn that corner again and it’s a shadowy lane. I don’t know what goes on after life, but what it’s worth living for is this little hand.

I’m holding her and she lives in me, becomes me, is me, and I could never abandon her and her silly futile dreams. Maybe it’s time to love her and those foolish ideas. That would be… if I can find her before she slips away, in another book on another page, on another roadside, in another blurry shuteye moment, another distant flashback.

I would like to tell her that I love her, but then now she wouldn’t be able to hear a word I say... because it wouldn't be the first time the reality of the world wants to drown her underwater.

2007-01-31T11:07:00.000-08:00

This world can be harsh enough
Judgment strangles
Insanity sometimes is
Sufficient for me.

-

2007-01-28T11:31:00.000-08:00

I read your messages then decided not to reply.

I didn't give up on myself.

I gave up on you.

-

It's wrong to say, we only want love from the people we want to love us.

That isn't love at all, it's too selfish to be love. It's cheapening love, it's wanting attention, being self-seeking, that's pride.

Because the truth is, if it's sincere love, a part of us will always be open to and touched by it from anyone at all.

It doesn't matter how they look or how it's done, what they do or what role/form it comes in. Even when it comes in the wrong packaging, if it's sincere love, it's bound to touch to some extent.

It will, because nobody rejects love.

And if it's rejected, then it must never have been love to begin with, but affections with selfish intentions.

2007-01-26T11:08:00.000-08:00

1. I like it when I'm with people I love.
2. I like it when I can talk and act without feeling self-concious because I know I'm accepted anyway.
3. I like sleeping until I wake up naturally.
4. I like late afternoons and late nights.
5. I like catching up with people I haven't met for months.
6. I like friends who can talk to me as if we haven't missed a single day together.
7. I like staying up late reflecting on everything as the music plays and feeling content.
8. I like music that's got meaningful lyrics.
9. I like ice-cream and all things sweet and cold.
10. I like walking in places I've never been to.
11. I like to have a good conversation, one where I am understood.
12. I like it when it rains and I walk alone and breathe in the scent of rain on the grass.
13. I like the crazy ktv sessions.
14. I like reading a good book that makes me think.
15. I like going to the arcade just to be juvenile for awhile.
16. I like the feeling of riding a bicycle.
17. I like the feeling of receiving a letter.
18. I like when my sisters go crazy with me.
19. I like receiving a wake-up call because somebody bothers about my day.
20. I like lazing on your bed, and holding your hand.

I like doing what I want to do when I want to do it.

Why don't we live in the present? That's all we have, NOW. A few seconds later and even 'now' passes away... ...

Simple pleasures. I don't need it to be so over-the-top, so sophisticated, so grand...

I just want to be happy.

The All American Rejects - It Ends Tonight

2007-01-20T12:27:00.001-08:00

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.

2007-01-20T11:01:00.000-08:00

It's some time later before you realise that the roles have reversed.

The one whom you've come to depend upon, now depends on you for a sort of security that's almost disturbing. The further away you push yourself, the tighter you nail the lid over your coffin. While my mom was talking to me, tears in her eyes, I realised this.

So what if I hate her melodramatic antics, as though we were a household in a 24hr korean soap opera. So what if she can be so unreasonable. So what if I hate the fact that she'll never begin to understand the impact of what she has, or has not done. I don't need her to be a perfect mother, and I'm not pinpointing her flaws. But what I need is for her to trust me. Trust that I should be able to tell right from wrong. Trust that my morals are stronger then my yearning for fun, and to please people whom I love. Trust me, simply because I'm your daughter. And that, I realise, is never going to happen. It doesn't matter whether or not I earn or have earned it, but this is the way she's come to see things. I can never be trusted to be who I am or make the decisions that I want to make, because that's just the way she sees it- no fight. But sadly, this world isn't only viewed through a pair of eyes. No matter, everything in this family may only be approved by one pair of eyes- that's hers.

I spent a pretty long time trying to trace the roots of her paranoia, and I couldn't find any other reason. Rape? Lack of safety? Whatever crazy danger lurks outside, lurks regardless of the time. The root of it? She just wants me to spend time with her. Basically, it all boils down to this- I don't feel you love me enough. So if I have to do anything and everything to compel you to love me, then I will.

At first I felt repulsed, angry, disgusted, disturbed, then comes this overwhelming sense of sadness. Where have I failed? Where can I make amends? How can I undo the knots you have made in your life, how do you want me to make you feel better? There's only so much I can do, even if I spend the time you require with you, because I have my own life to live eventually. We are all self-centered, not always because we want to be.

It's sad that no one in this family can understand where I'm coming from. I'm not outrightly rebelling, just because. But isn't it time to let go? Life has enough restraints for you to face the worse ones in your own home. Why does the harshest judgement come from people who claim to love you?

If you love me, respect my decisions.

If you love me, what I need is your quiet advice at the most, not your sarcastic or dictatorial comments.

If you love me, you will not threaten me nor judge me critcally, or worse, use our relationship to blackmail me by saying 'it's over'.

If you love me, what matters to you is my happiness.

I'm tired of people who claim to love me but all they end up piling upon me is pressure, and endless expectations and hurtful comments. Family, cellgroup, why do we invest time in people who can't invest in you the same way you hope they would?

I don't need you to do anything for me. I just need you to be by my side.

Unfortunately, you went for every other single weapon you could and fired at me, when what I really needed was for you to hold my hand.

I'm disappointed.

And on another note, if you want me to meet you so we can talk about YOUR problems, please go to hell. That's all we ever did, didn't you realise?

2007-01-09T22:31:00.000-08:00

THANK YOU.
For being so random and crappy... but truthful.
For shocking me this morning with a surprise visit and McDonald's breakfast and sending me to all the way to Jurong East before going all the way back to Farrer Park. WAH.
For carrying the heaviest suitcase. risk looking like a terrorist. haha :p
For always catching the last 147 (thank God it comes).
For peeling my prawns.
For paying for me.
For walking me home.
For listening to me.
For being patient.
For being supportive.

To Mr. Optimal Solution, because his solution is always optimal... uhuh uhuh.

Funny isn't it... How we always know when concern is genuine.

Same how we can tell when it isn't... And I'm not going to bother with that. :)

I'm not so cheap that last-minute concern can buy you my affections.

Lalala. Life is finally stabilising. GRADUATION IS COMING!!! :D :D :D

EVERY ENDING IS A NEW BEGINNING.

2007-01-06T22:29:00.000-08:00

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone sins
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
[x3]

(Move along)
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along

The All American Rejects- Move Along.

-

People let me down that I don't know who to trust. I know, I've let you down too. My own heart can't be trusted, because it's moved so easily. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore, or how to see that. I can't trust you and I can't trust myself. But all I know is that God is sovereign and He loves me. If ever I'm at the edge of the cliff, He will save me. When the whole world doesn't give me the support I need, misunderstands me, I know that He will be there for me.

What is a good life? What is screwing it up? Do you really know?

The truth is that you don't know, you just think you do.

So move along, move along...

God will watch over my life, and the only one I'm truly accountable to. I'm only answerable to Him for what I do. He who holds the universe in his hands, already knows how everthing ends. He knows me better than I know myself- my capability, my limitations, my thoughts even before they are formed. I trust that He is sovereign.

Move along, move along just to make it through.

2007-01-01T09:34:00.000-08:00

We're simple creatures- humans. We just want love. It doesn't matter what form it arrives in, we crave it. And if we can't find it in some place we'll try another. And another. and another. and another. If you won't give it, somebody else will. What you're not willing to take somebody else will accept. What you're not willing to give somebody will sacrifice. What you're not willing to love somebody will cherish. We go on finding finding finding.

It's funny the people who I've turned away from and who've turned away from me. What a crazy game we play. And isn't it tiring...

2006-12-31T14:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing but I go ahead anyway.

I do make mistakes. I do make decisions that I may regret later. I do contradict myself to the point there is no edge left to stand. I do do things that I hate. If you expect me to fit the mould you have in your mind of who I am, don't blame me if I disappoint because I need room to make mistakes. This is not an excuse.

I just need some kind of reassurance that it's okay to make mistakes. That I can still be accepted and loved even when my mistakes are so glaringly obvious. That the God I serve is not judged on my own wilful conduct (but why not on His?). That there is no way anyone can always be a good representation of Christ because he is perfection.

This is not an excuse- that I'm imperfect. This is just the plea of a christian begging the rest of the world to stop watching the mistakes of christians. To stop watching the mistakes of christians when our God did not throw a thunderbolt and commanded us to do what terrible hypocritical things it is that christians sometimes do.

Yes, our God is good. We? We may not be.
Yes, our God is righteous. We? We may not be.
Yes, our God has the right to judge. We? We do not have.
Yes, our God is sinless. We? We're sinners always.
Yes, our God is wise. We? We beg for wisdom, christian or not.
Yes, our God knows everything. We? We can only speculate, assume?

What our God is we can only TRY to emulate. But is it ever possible for humanity to reach God's standards? I really doubt a lifetime is ever enough.

Don't judge God by the things that christians sometimes do.

Rather, let God judge us.

Don't be turned off by the evangelism of christians as them boasting how "wonderful" their life is, and you watch to see that they can't handle a single thing.

See evangelism as this- that at the heart of it was a man who died for an altruistic motive of saving the world (whether or not you believe he succeeded).

Why are we forgetting the price that he paid?

It was not for anyone to be elevated or put down in his death- but for the most broken, the lost, the depressed, to come into reconcilliation with someone who loves them more than life.

I don't care that my life and that of other christians is not exemplary. Honestly? I doubt it'll ever be. It won't be. How many Mother Theresas can there be? So don't watch us. Watch past the foolish pride of christians in their own salvation to the thing that gave them that chance in the first place.

I don't know why some christians can brand themselves up and be all so happy with their own salvation. I mean, seriously? Our Saviour was a half-dead man carrying his cross, pounded by the crowd into crucification. Our salvation? Our salvation? I mean, hello, you can only qualify for salvation if you are a sinner. Anyone isn't? Where is the divide? Jesus didn't die for "such a divide", he died "such a cause" as 'reconciliation'.

Because the most lousy person doesn't change the fact that He dragged a wooden cross- half-beaten to a place where he could be hammered in by nails through the marrow of his bones- with the belief that it'll save the world.

Naive? Yeah, maybe. By the way, we call him the Saviour.

In 2007, I just want to shut my ears to the accusations of other people, and my eyes to what christians are doing. Not exemplary? I look at the President of the christian nation of America, and I seriously doubt how exemplary any one christian can be. Not perfect!

In 2007 I just want everyone and anyone to see the price He paid.

God is still good, all the time.

The word 'Us' makes a very different equation.

2006-12-20T08:51:00.000-08:00

The battle nobody knows we fight
Lies right behind our minds
In the dark of the night
The scars it leaves behind
Leaps out from the corner of your eye
That slight tremble of your lips
And we know the words you say
Every tone and enuciation
Reveals the struggle
It's the greatest war and
the one given the least importance
Comrades raise your weapons
And fire at yourselves
I think nobody knows the truth
Is that we can never win
A war against ourselves

I think I'm tired of the lies
The ones we make up to forget
"Forge forward" i mean
The ones to pretend to have
Or rather that we "lack"
The things we trip over
Sorry it's called "leaving behind"
Different terminology
We name things but that doesn't
Make them any different
From what they really are
Why are we trying so hard
To lie to ourselves?

I wonder if this war exists
Or another child's play that I've taken far too seriously.

2006-12-10T21:28:00.000-08:00

Recently I've been thinking about the people who have passed through my life.

You know their backgrounds, their life stories, and the things they've gone through. Maybe they shared with you their fears and sorrow, they called you when they were melancholic, depressed, afraid. Was I really there for them? Were they really there for me?

We always say we want to be there for each other- but what does it mean? You can't always be there for everyone, we all know the truth deep inside. It sounds warm, sweet, let's go through this together, forever. But how?

Nobody can be there for you when you're in darkness, in death. You're alone, and you're taking every step knowing that even if you grabbed at the hands of people you've come to depend upon, you cannot pull them in with you. You want to be bitter and angry with the people who let you down, or maybe you're convinced that you're really thankful to so-and-so for being there for you.

But nobody was actually there with you, walking every step that you took, feeling every nuance of emotion, during every fight behind your mind. Everyone stands at the sidelines and watch you, because they cannot join you.

When you fall, between the stares of people, the sound of your own heartbeat and the voices in your head- who is it that can really stand in you, with you, and for you?

Because people can only do so much, they can't be the faith in your heart.

When people say they understand- how much can they really understand? They can never understand what it really is that you're going through, unless they live right under your skin, settled in the most secret part of your heart. Understand the way you think and why you think the way you do. More then understand you, love you, right through to your ugliest awkward silly stupid parts.

This is intimacy that even your lover can never share.

This is what we all crave...

I'm glad I've found who it is who lives there.

Ask me, cos i'll be glad to share :)

2006-12-02T08:01:00.000-08:00

Eph 6:12

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood,
but against principalities,
against powers,
against the rulers of the darkness of this world,
against spiritual wickedness in high places.

-

Sometimes I wonder if we're being too hard on God.

We believe so easily in ghosts, demonic posessions, hauntings and all sorts of dark spirituality. But when you talk about God, people find it so hard to swallow. They want proof, scientific evidence, some tangible substance to show that God is real. But when it comes to anything remotely demonic, hardly any explanation is needed. Give them a spooky photo and they will come up with some half-baked explanation by themselves. Its so easy for people to believe in the devil and yet so hard for them to believe in God. Maybe the devil is more successful in evangelism then any of us- he is too eager to prove how real hell is, he brings it into our lives. And ironically, we believe him.

We all choose our own perceptions over reality.

2006-11-20T10:08:00.000-08:00

I want happiness

I want success

I want love

I want companionship

I want prosperity

I want peace

I want to stop wanting

I want…

When will it be enough?

FALL ON ME NOW

YOUR LOVE FALLS DOWN
YOUR LOVE FALLS DOWN
YOUR LOVE FALLS DOWN
OVER ME...

Your love is enough.

2006-11-17T21:09:00.000-08:00

THIS WORLD DOESN'T EXIST FOR YOU.

I'm sick and tired of self-centered people who just think about themselves and their benefits and their own priorities day after day after day. Don't say you love me when you have never proven your love for me. Don't say I am close to you when you barely even know my life. Don't expect anything out of me just because I have selflessly given before, it is my choice, not your right.

I'm sorry, I can only love you so much.

If you want the whole world to bow down and worship your needs, then you can set up your own altar in your room.

2006-11-11T10:05:00.000-08:00

Disobedience only comes about when you choose to obey something else.
You turn from obeying one thing to obeying another.
Either way, you still obey.
I don't get how rebellious that can be.
Isn't rebellion another form of obedience?
Obedience to rebellion.
So doesn't that mean we are slaves no matter what?
We obey something whatever it is we choose.
We are slaves to our choices, whatever it is we choose.
We are slaves to our consequences.

"The one to whom you offer yourself --
he will take you and be your master
and you will be his slave.
Thank God that though you once chose to be slaves of sin,
now you have obeyed with all your heart
the teaching to which God has committed you.
And now you are free from your old master, sin;
and you have become slaves to your new master,
righteousness."
Romans 6:16-18

You are all that I depend on
I cannot function without your breath
I cannot exist without your tomorrow
I cannot hope without your promises
I cannot live without your purpose
I cannot achieve without your will

2006-11-08T11:31:00.000-08:00

Malaysia is happier then Singapore.

Really, it says here:

Singapore is not even inside this list...

The 20 happiest nations in the World are:

1. Denmark
2. Switzerland
3. Austria
4. Iceland
5. The Bahamas
6. Finland
7. Sweden
8. Bhutan
9. Brunei
10. Canada
11. Ireland
12. Luxembourg
13. Costa Rica
14. Malta
15. The Netherlands
16. Antigua and Barbuda
17. Malaysia
18. New Zealand
19. Norway
20. The Seychelles

(http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2006-07/uol-uol072706.php)

So I really wonder why. We're not very far away.. What's the problem?

2006-10-27T08:32:00.000-07:00

The reality is
We don’t want to know
We say we want the truth
That will set us free
But we’d rather find ourselves
An answer that gratifies our pride
That we think we want
Not what we need
Worlds apart
Maybe there’s someone
On another dimensional plane
I wonder if they live the lives
That we all throw away
The one of perfection and
Daily discipline
We don’t want the truth
Not because we think
We can’t measure up to it
But because we know if
We’re capable
We would have found ourselves
Capable enough not to need
Finding an answer
And maybe that is our downfall
That we think we hold a key in us
That surely can answer life
Since we are life
But we’re not
We’re the dust of life
And dust can never be
The wind that swirls it in circles
There is a hand
That all creation moves from
And in our little flight
We think we are omnipotent
We only carry the reflection
Of a power that stirs us on

2006-10-22T03:55:00.000-07:00

OUR GREATEST FEAR
(A quote from Marianne Williamson)

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves,
Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some, it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-----------------------------

What is your greatest fear? It is nothing more then an illusion masking the infinite possibilities that you CAN achieve.

We have a God who's for us; forever. What's impossible when the creator of Heaven and Earth, who holds every soul, every atom, every second in his hands is on your side?

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.

You can achieve every single thing you've ever wanted. Every dream is yours for the taking. Every chance and every door of opportunity is open for YOU.

If God says NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.

2006-10-12T01:29:00.000-07:00

This morning when I woke up I sat down on the sofa and began reading the newspaper. A few minutes later, my eldest sister nudged me and brought two hot cups of tea to the table. Acts and services is definitely my love language. Just one cup of tea and I love my sister to bits. But besides that, it brings to mind that people love you, and sometimes it's easy to forget that.

If, like me, you find it very easy to sink into depression and self-loathing, then it's very refreshing to wake up one morning and find that your existence makes somebody bother to make a second cup of tea. Very often I fall into the mistake of thinking that I am very alone, and that besides myself, there is perhaps no other person truly altruistically for me but God. But, people do love you. Even if they don't express it, even if they disappoint you, even if they don't meet up to your expecations, who are we to judge their heart? It doesn't benefit anyone to dislike you and reject you. But when you begin to love other people and believe that other people love you, you allow life for yourself and others to be a little bit more fulfilling then it can be, when you live in a snow globe alone.

It's so funny because I used to have such a bad relationship with my sister. Yesterday, we were both lying on the bed complaining about how upset we were that our Mom felt that we were going out too much- because it means we can't go out this week anymore. Then her eyes sparkled, "Ah.. Bee.. I got a plan. Let's mop the floor and hope Mommy comes home and sees us doing the housework.. then you talk to her nicely to let us go out." Nice plan hor?

By the time we finished mopping the floor my Mom wasn't even home yet. Nevermind, but when she did come home, she screeched, "AIYO! Why's the floor so wet?!" Eh, we were expecting grattitude and a sympathetic Mom allowing us to go out. I had to leave in half an hour and I hadn't even asked her permission to go out yet. Suddenly my sister said to me in an exaggerating loud voice, "Eh, Bee.. YOU HAVE TO GO SCHOOL RIGHT??"

Yeah, that was a lie, but its so sweet to have sisters to conspire with you. But I didn't lie lar, I told the truth. And the mopping thing did work. :)

Everyone's falling sick. Please take care of yourselves!

PICTURE OF THE DAY:

Name: Dad
Hobbies: Shocking his daughters, loving himself.
Comments: It IS hard to resist those lips.

hahaha.. :p

2006-10-11T13:22:00.000-07:00

I do believe
Because I breathe
Because of the fact that I sit awake in this moment
Because I live
There is power in my existence
My breath and thoughts and hands
I can make and break and create
I have a purpose and a reason
I balance an equation
I was birthed into existence
Because I was meant for something
And the universe collaborated to bring me to come
And bring me thus far
And will bring me to the end so I
Can do the things it's called me for
We're placed on this planet and everything in it
And everything that's happened
Has a reason and will have a reason
When we look back we'll see
The gravity we all hold
Every single moment that we are alive
We unconciously piece together a giant piece
And when we cease
We'll look back and see
What humanity's achieve
Every name and every child tells a story
Every culture and every century
It becomes a giant canvas of beautiful colours
It's the ultimate picture the Master created
It's what He already knew He wanted
And put into place so that time could tick
And everything would get together to achieve
His ultimate masterpiece
You're drawn to me
And I'm drawn to you
And we're drawn to live
Because somebody's mind and somebody's hands
Had us drawn up for a genius piece
There is an unseen pattern
Every pleasure and every pain
Every illumination and every darkness
Every gain and every loss
You'll come to see how
It was, it is and it will always be
in His hands

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Psalm 33:11

"But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations."

2006-09-29T12:31:00.000-07:00

Today I spent sitting in the Times bookshop at Changi Airport. I've always known I love to read, but sometimes I think I'm competing with the space on the floor with the children... like we'll see who leaves first.. HEH. Not me. Of course I triumphed, since I managed to finish half a book without being chased out. I tell you, this requires skill and knowing how to hide from the cashier.

Anyway, I am so super touched by the book I read. It's called 'The Good Women of China' by Xue XinRan. I'm going to HIGHLY recommend this book because it's so good! It's the true life account of how XinRan, a radio journalist/DJ, begins a new on-air programme that gives voice to the suppressed women of China during their 'opening-up' period after the Cultural Revolution, and the stories that begin to unfold from there. They're stories of incest, oppression, sexism, and the relationship between men and women at its most raw. In a country that's long dominated by men and their ideas, what makes a woman good? What is a good woman- do they exist? Do women strive to meet standards that have been set by men, and then only find that they are so daunting whole generations of females never meet the mark? What do they live for, anyway? What are they worth?

Fact is stranger then fiction. It's a book that documents the real life stories of women in China, and yet these stories are so heart-wrenching, so emotional that you can't believe it wasn't ripped from a soap opera. And as you read you you see the world through a different perspective- the perspective of women who never had the chance to express or reach the potential they were truly capable of, and then have to suffer the perception that they're not good enough, or even worse, that they're not good.

So how then are women good?

"If we don’t look down on ourselves,
we are good.
If we know how to love,
how to give love,
how to feel toward other people,
then we are good. "

It inevitably makes you draw comparisons to your own life, and to the women around you. How many women are celebrated? Why can't womanhood be more celebrated? How many mothers and girls give selflessly of themselves, their lives and their dreams in devotion to a man and his ideas?

Shouldn't the world learn how to appreciate women? It's isn't equality that is difficult since it is so subjective, but mere appreciation to a sex that has been undervalued and undermined for years. To our mothers, and their mothers, and the women of before, the good women who have made this world what it is today, and given up their places so the women today may stand firm.

2006-09-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

sorry, then, if i did not live up to your expectations
not good enough a friend, a sister, a daughter, a person
sorry, then, if it was too easy to let the dirt ride up
sink deep into the mud of the past
afterall it's been eroding layers and layers of my skin away
until what's left is a tiny piece of shrivelled thing
i suppose that'll be my heart
maybe it'll be so pure so pure
without the guilt it carries and the sins
all the 'what-if's' and 'maybe's' and the hundred times i've sinked
maybe i'll be corroded and torn apart
until what's left is substance so clean
i suppose there has to be something left
i suppose that'll be my heart
i wonder what it's like to be purged that way
when i close my eyes and then disappear
you never knew i could go this way
sometimes i don't know what to say
the mistakes keep catching up
will i ever be good enough?
the questions are like hooks that pull my flesh
i don't know what's pain now
i think i've learnt how not to feel
so that i can pretend i've always felt strong
i've learnt how to pretend i can be vulnerable in intimacy
when the walls are so high i can't scale them myself
and i'm afraid when they come crumbling down
you'd see how small i really am
i don't have anything to offer but mistakes
so then how much forgiveness is enough?
wash me like snow, like snow, like snow
that falls gently over footprints and dirt
and in the morning when the rays of light
filter through the dust
we don't know what happened
we only see a landscape of white
i suppose that'll be my heart

Isaiah 1:18

18 "Come now, let us reason together,"
says the LORD.
"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.

Psalm 51:7

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

There's something beautiful about purity- white, white, white as snow.

2006-09-15T21:11:00.000-07:00

I have a fear of death and yet it's romantic to me
I have a fear of rejection and yet I fear intimacy
I have a fear of loneliness and yet I fear commitment
I have a fear of losing myself and yet I never found me
I have a fear of unhappiness but yet I'm used to melancholy
I have a fear of truth and yet I crave for it
I have a fear of destiny and yet I want to pursue it
I have a fear of passion and yet I want to be consumed in it
I have a fear of living so brightly yet I like the attention
I have a fear of pride yet pride eats at me
I have a fear of the unknown and yet it intrigues me
I have a fear of lost and yet maybe it'd feel free
I have a fear of depth and yet I want to be drowned

We are walking beings of paradoxes, so complicated and we complicate ourselves. We trust in emotions that fail us despite seducing us to believe in their eternity. We believe in our heart and yet our heart lies to us over and over again with emotions as changing as the wind. We try to believe in others when we can hardly begin to believe in ourselves. We are contradictions and every day of our lives we contradict our thoughts with our words, our words with our actions. We are hypocritical right to the very core. How can we begin to live for ourselves when we are such temperamental masters? Faith is so difficult for us because its a beautiful idea, its beautiful to think that for once, there's one thing about us that won't change. It's beautiful to think we're in control of our lives- but are we really? We can't even master our emotions. We suppress them or repress them, and then we make them masters of us.

My heart and my strength
Many times they fail
But there is one truth
That always will prevail
God is the strength of my heart
God is the strength of my heart
God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever,
Forever

2006-09-12T01:15:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's wrong with secretaries these days.

Me: Hello may I speak to Mr XYZ?
Secretary: He's not in town.
Me: Ok, May I know when he'll be back?
Secretary: I have no idea.

What do you mean you have no idea? Lol. Secretaries are paid to know these kind of things. tsk.

2006-09-10T19:55:00.000-07:00

I believe in bursting forth like a daffodil
White fluffy and glimmering into existence
I believe in catching a hundred gasps
As a thousand sunflowers proudly gleaming
I believe in staring at the sun
Until there's no shadow left
I believe in loud triumphant sounds
In celebration, in happiness
In life bursting with life
Life bursting with mine
Until there's no memory
It's a glaring presence
So bright, so bright
Nothing's left

2006-09-01T11:24:00.000-07:00

As I was sitting beside Lydia waiting for cellgroup to start she turned to me and said, "True Love Waits. How do you interpret that?"

That begun the most meaningful talk I've had this week. You know you can spend hours with people and feel like you've completely wasted your time, or just spend 5 minutes and get a revelation and feel like you've already become a better person. The right people at the right time can be so powerful.

So I answered hesitantly, "I suppose that means that... You don't settle for less. The right one eventually comes along. And if you don't wait, that can't be True Love because then every person that comes along is your true love. What's your interpretation?"

She grinned in her very 'Lydia' way and said, "Yeah I think that's my interpretation too."

She was telling me while I was on the bus with her how going to bible school had changed her perspective on love. A girl without God can be ordinary. An ordinary girl who spends her whole life wishing upon the perfect guy with the right looks, personality and way of romance is nothing spectacular- almost every girl does or will do that.

But imagine instead, a girl who doesn't crave for that. She knows romance doesn't equate to fulfilment in life. She knows who she is in God and puts her security in His love and His vision for her. Her lifelong wish is doing something great that can change the world, and not just a marriage. This girl will stand out from the crowd because she doesn't place her trust in the elusive illusion of a perfect man. More importantly, this girl will stand out because she's secure.

Hey, we should be taught this from young. Instead, media instils in us what we think is 'right'- that every girl should get attached and then get married before she's old and left on the shelf- Hits the raw spot of every girl. We're so insecure; we want to find ourselves in a guy. Some of us would like to find our security as 'so-and-so's girlfriend'. Where does our identity go then? Why don't we get people teaching us that it's okay to be ourselves, and that it's okay to be alone (because alone doesn't mean lonely)? Why don't chick flicks tell the story of a girl who found fulfilment in security with herself and not how some cute guy miraculously solved all her problems- because that's never going to happen?

This is a world deprived of love. This is a generation of youths running around looking for love in any and every place they can find, regardless of whether it is real love or not, we just want to fill the emptiness inside. We look in all the wrong places yet wonder why we're so pathetic. It's so ironic, one man died on the cross 2000 years ago because he loved us, and yet today we go around begging for love from person to person.

True Love Waits. And if you can't go hungry for awhile and eat every piece of garbage that comes along, when the real delicacy arrives, you're likely to just pass it by.

True Love Waits. And if you can't be content in the love of a God who died for you, you won't be content in the love of a man who can fail you.

2006-08-31T00:15:00.000-07:00

so you know, i've been chained to this desk for 4 days convincing people that they need to attend a business conference that costs $188 as though it's a matter of life and death. i seriously wonder what people are doing when they answer my phone calls. i don't even want to think about it when i hear heavy breathing, hushed voices and echoes in the background. this angmoh guy spent 7 mins trying to convince me that he met me before at a meeting and would seriously need my handphone number because he's got a really bad memory. it didn't help that i "sound exactly" like whichever girl he claims i sound like. HA.

kkkkk going back.

2006-08-30T09:08:00.000-07:00

If I could spin a hundred stories
Feed the fantasies of a thousand kids
Find them a million fairylands to prance about
For the next few years spread the joy
If I can sustain the dreams of the little ones
Then prolong their childhood one minute more
Just let them taste the last cotton candy
And the last thrill of the rollercoaster ride
Before it crashes into adolescence and
Before the gates of the amusement park closes
Before the guards of no humour hush them out
Like candles that give off whisps of smoke
Blown out and stepped upon
If I can kiss ten different faces
Every colour and every culture
If I can hear the voices of the children's giggles
Like a street parade with glamourous costumes
And clanging cymbals and blowing trumpets
Before the heavy red curtain falls
You know when they hold the lollipops in their hands
You know those bright-eyed faces and smeared lips
It's so hard not to relent
You know if I could feed their hopes and dreams
Just give them comfort for a minute
Drown them in love for a second
Find them a Mother, Father, siblings and friends
Embrace them
Let the lights never be turned off
It'll never be dark and the
Carousel's always spinning, with the merry-go-round
This is Disney Land
You know I would give anything, anything
Anything for them
Anything for dreams to persist
Little ones forever asleep
Can the alarm clock not go off
Please don't
Let them bear the burden of our sins

2006-08-23T12:21:00.000-07:00

I've tried living by myself, for myself and what I want, and believing that I alone have the power to control my own life.

I've tried, I really have.

And it didn't work out.

When you come to a point where you realise that sometimes things happen beyond your understanding or control, you lose it. Because all along, your hope is that you control everything. And things that mess up are also because of you. But it's not always the case...

Unfair, tragic things do happen to good people. Things happen regardless of who you are or what you have done that may be totally undeserving.

So you realise, if I don't believe somebody's in control of this world, then I only have one other alternative- to believe that the world is made up of a series of totally random events that have no meaning at all.

I don't care how people call this reality. I don't care how people say I'd rather believe this then to put my trust in some God that I can't even say for sure exists.

I choose to believe because there are a great deal of things that I want to believe in that won't happen without God. The belief that someone watches what goes on and keeps track of the fallen, the accused, the victims, the depressed, and people who have no one to help them keep scores of their lifetime, the people whom society says has no value.

I don't care if you say its illogical, contradictory, or that its an emotional choice.

It is a choice that I've made, and this is it.

I will risk my life for a belief rather then the other alternative which is too bleak, far too hopeless for me.

2006-08-17T04:36:00.000-07:00

In a life that's forever intertwined with people, you can never escape; you can never hide from a face.

In a city that's piled high vertically horizontally in every direction with people; you can never retreat from a face.

In every breath, in every morning, with every step, you stumble along your way with people. In every chance you get alone it is someone's voice or memory that goes along with you. You are never alone, you are never who you are without people. They have become a part of who you are. You are born into a world swimming with faces, and will leave seeing the same school of faces that brush past you on the street, full of apathy. We're never alone, how could we ever have thought we were? On every page, every word, every picture, every thought, every noise, in every bustle of the city someone's lives interlinks with ours.

We don't ever really belong to ourselves. Every action we take has an effect on somebody else. We're part of a big picture, a body of humanity that's falling apart as we all struggle for an individuality that doesn't ever really exist. And no matter how similar and how close in proximity we are to each other, we're still finding loneliness in the midst of a crowd. Yes, people every way you look, and yet none of them, none of them are satisfied. Yes, people on the streets, on the public transport, and every one of them knows the silence that wakes them up abruptly in the wee hours of the morning, and the very real fear of life crashing down.

Where is God in all of this? Can it be...? That we need him more then he needs us? Because look at the scores of people living around you. Remember every soul that has passed your life. We're all dissatisfied, all crumble apart. We all need to believe that we're meant for something more- that we were meant to live for so much more. Not money, not education, not people or status, but something more fulfilling, something eternal, something time and tide, or the fallible memories of people can never take away from us.

So you're lost at sea. You're too far out to swim by yourself. You have only have two options. You can choose to believe someone knows about your situation, loves you, and will come and rescue you. Or you can choose to believe that you will drown, and you will die.

Now you're out there swimming.

------------------------------------------

Crash (Score), In the Deep by Bird York

thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
but something happens
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.
now you're out there swimming
in the deep.
in the deep.

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... let go
till you shed your pride and you climb to heaven
and you throw yourself off.
now you're out there spinning
in the deep.
in the deep.
in the deep.
in the deep.

INTERLUDE

and now you're out there spinning
and now you're out there swimming
in the deep.
in the deep.

IN THE SILENCE
ALL YOUR SECRETS WILL
RAISE THEIR WEARY HEADS
WELL, YOU CAN'T PIN YOURSELF
BACK TOGETHER WITH WHO
YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE

NOW YOU'RE OUT THERE LIVING
IN THE DEEP
IN THE DEEP
IN THE DEEP

in the deep.

NOW YOU'RE OUT THERE SPINNING
NOW YOU'RE OUT THERE SWIMMING
NOW YOU'RE OUT THERE SPINNING
IN THE DEEP
IN THE DEEP
IN THE DEEP
IN THE DEEP
IN THE DEEP

(if you want to be given everything,
give everything up.)

2006-08-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

Hey...

Don't you think I know how tough it is for you?

Don't you think I know how difficult it is to be perfect?

Why do we strive to be, anyway?

What's it worth?

Because if we live for an ideal, it makes our life have more meaning and purpose then our ordinary existence. Because if we live for big dreams, dreams bigger then our lives, it makes our lives big.

So you think I don't know?

I do know that all your life you've been struggling to live up to a dream that sometimes is so elusive you want to give up. I do know that you cling onto it anyway. I do know that sometimes its so difficult, the way you try and try again. I do know that you're at the end of the rope and holding onto the frayed ends. I know the sweat is on your brow and your skin is bruised. I know you've fought a thousand battles to survive, I know it doesn't mean bravery to anyone. I know it's tiring and lonely that no one gets you. I know it's getting colder where you are. I know the tears don't fall anymore, somtimes they harden in your heart. I know the people have slowly vanished, and who's taken them or have they walked away? You don't know, and it doesn't matter anymore, does it? I know what it's like to mess up your life. I know what's it like not to be appreciated, not to be loved, not to be understood, to be alone.

So, my beautiful stranger.

We don't know each other, but every morning we struggle to wake with the same questions. Everyday we live with the same difficulties.

We're not so very different. You are not so different from me, and I'm not so different from you.

We all crave the same things- love, acceptance...

It doesn't matter our race, gender, religion, or family background. Are we so different from each other?

Can't we empathise with each other, love a little more?

We're not so very different, you and I.

We've always been in each other's shoes, didn't you realise?

2006-08-03T21:51:00.000-07:00

When I was a girl my Father sat my twin sister and I down to teach us how to draw. Nevermind that what he drew were stick figures- that I can replicate to this very day, or that our flowers were much more intricate. Until today, I have that memory etched in my mind. It's not a particularly fantastic time, or a 'hollywood' moment. It was simply a very beautiful afternoon, where the sun is bright but you don't feel the humidity or heat. We're sitting at the dining hall table in the house before we moved, and our Dad sits at the head of the table with us at his left and right. A similar memory has him guiding my twin's hand to write the alphabets because when she was young she always wrote them upside down. He pespires easily, so he is frowning as he writes with her. And when they are done, she doesn't understand the significance that she has just wrote her first perfect set of the alphabet, and he is grinning from ear to ear.

Unlike my Mom, my Dad has never hit me. He has raised his hand to do so before, but then always at the last moment as I desperately pull off my best pathetic face, he walks away sighing. He's like the mother in the family- he stocks the toiletries, buys the groceries, is soft-hearted ultimately, and is very very vain. He buys facial products and is really worried about losing his hair and those wrinkles around his eyes. He blushes and laughs when you tell him he's handsome (which he secretly thinks so anyway). He worries about everything and has the weirdest sense of humour.

Last night my twin and I asked him if he was excited to have twins when my Mom was pregnant.

Dad: Excited?? (frowns) WORRIED! Everything also buy double- basket, diapers, milk powder..
Us: BASKET?! why basket also need to worry..
Dad: I was thinking, I could also buy one can of milk powder and dilute it for you both... (evil gleam in eyes)

A Father gives a girl steadfast security and protection, and his love will always be an assurance for her.

Anyway, I LOVE YOU DADDY, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

2006-07-31T11:17:00.000-07:00

Learn to laugh at yourself, because the winner is the one who smiles even in captivity.

If you have something no one can ever take away, you win anyhow. You win even if you're last in the race. You win even when you're bounded hand-to-feet. You win even when you've lost all reason to continue smiling, but you choose to. The victory is to those who choose to be happy against all odds. The battle is swift to those who choose to believe that life may not always be fair to them, but they will make it fair for themselves. And even if it doesn't work out, so be it, they will smile because they have tried. You don't have to be content with the way things are, just the way you have chosen to deal with things. Choose happiness. If you choose it, you can choose to change the world for at least one person- yourself. It's not about circumstances, for we all face different circumstances. The difference is not what we face, but how we choose to face it. Choose a smiling face.

For the joy of the Lord is your strength.

2006-07-27T01:22:00.000-07:00

There is only the present
And endless possibilities
There are only open doors
And new roads
There is only the walk ahead
And the future is gleaming
Bright like the sun
Glittering on the ocean
There is only the beautiful
And the promising
There is only the good
And the truth
There are only chances in front
There is only advancement and growth
There is only glory at the end of the road
If you live in a world where anything
Anything, is possible
Then it is possible
There is only the good at the end of the road
It is possible
All your strive will only bring you closer
Every fall only makes you fly higher
Every tear only makes you richer
It is possible
There is only what you have now in your hands
And with that there is only moving ahead
There is only moving ahead
As long as the end isn't in sight
Anything is possible
There is only moving ahead now
When you hit rock bottom
The only way you can go is up
When things cannot worsen further
Then they can only get better

2006-07-26T10:49:00.000-07:00

I don't have to explain my life, my opinions or my decisions to anyone unless you're worth me explaining to. The misconception people have- that what they say about you matters to you? Thrash that, please. It doesn't matter what you think about me unless I know you care. I won't please you, and if you're offended, take a number because I don't live for your opinions.

2006-07-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

2 Corinthians 4:16-18:

¹⁶Therefore we do not lose heart.
Though outwardly we are wasting away,
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

¹⁷For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us
an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

¹⁸So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

DO NOT

DO NOT LOSE HEART

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2006-07-22T12:39:00.000-07:00

I just want to close my eyes
And let the emotions wash over
Until there's nothing left inside
There's no hatred, no anger
Just an emptiness
And then let your peace fill me
Until the aggression has spilt away
Let your love fill the hollow spaces
Let the night give me closure
For the shelter the day never brought
Let the stars give the comfort
The music drown the frustrations
Give me peace
Until there's nothing left
Just a tired softness
An acceptance
Let the tide wash away
Wash the me I fight
Wash her away
Wash pain
Wash past
Pass all

Until I don't remember
In sleep let me not get lost in dreams
Let me die away
Not even tirelessly awake
In places that don't exist
Scenarios my mind create
I just want to never relive
The exhaustion of life
Even in dreams
That's not what I want
Let me rest with
Not a thought
Not an emotion
I don't want to struggle
Let me die
Let me die
And when I slip away
Then it'd only be you
It'd only be you
Living inside

2006-07-21T11:18:00.000-07:00

Why do we, knowing what's right, find it so hard to make that decision?
Why do we, knowing the consequences, find it so easy to go ahead with failure?
Why do we place our trust in people who time and again prove us wrong?
Why do we hang onto memories when time pushes us forward?
Why do we each create our own world to live in when the one outside exists?

HOPE? FAITH?

We cling onto things no longer worth our time and energy because we're willing to believe that they're better then they really are.

Who are we deluding? Ourselves?

When you put your Hope and Faith into things which do not last, neither will your Hope and Faith last very long.

What isn't eternal? It's eternally useless.

In a world that's constantly changing, placing your Faith and Hope into this life and its things are like putting them into a fragile crystal ball.

This life and the things in it are dust. Ashes. What lasts?

What lasts forever so that your Hope will never shatter?

If you are easily hurt, why not put your trust in somewhere worth placing?

Somewhere you know for certain for an eternity will never let you down or fail you. Somewhere it will bear fruits you can actually taste, and not hope and wish for something that always lingers far beyond your reach.

What's the risk of believing when you've believed in things worth far less?

Haven't you realised that for far too long we have been believing in things that aren't worth our time?

What harm is it then, to just risk a little 'sanity' of this world and believe in a God?

Jeremiah 29:11
"I will bless you with a future filled with hope--a future of success, not of suffering."

Why believe? Why NOT?

2006-07-10T02:09:00.000-07:00

How do I know that there is a God?

The very world you live in is evidence that there is a God.

Look at nature.
What causes high tide and low tide?
Why are there two tides each day?
Who created the planets and the stars?
Who created them in sync with the earth, such that the very moon we glance at night will also give a gravitational pull on our waters creating tide?
Who thought that we'd need the lulling waves to sail across?
Who thought we'd need the waning light of the moon at night, and the glare of the sun?
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light?
Who feeds the trees and flowers?
Who imagined the cycle of respiration and photosynthesis?
Who thought that the sun would give life to the plants, and the plants would give life to animals?
Who made the cycle that gives rain from the sky?
Who made the sky blue?
Who created and chose colors and painted the rainbow?
Who placed love and its desire in our hearts?
Who moulded our fingers into shape, our faces, our personalities?
Who keeps watch over this world while we sleep at night?
Who will know where we go after we die?
Who will know what we do when we're alive?
Who remembers all that has happened?
Who knows our true purpose?

These are questions children ask! These are questions we are distracted from asking as we grow up, questions we reduce to childish. These are questions we block with the quest for status, power, money and superficial love. But these are essential questions, questions that question YOUR existence.

Why am I here? Who put me here?

Everytime you feel defeated look around you.

Outside the window trees and flowers grow with no worry for tomorrow. They live one day and wilter tomorrow. But who feeds them and watches over them? Who knows their beauty? And who will plan the new plants that creep up in the twilight?

Creation is far too amazing to be an accident. If it were an accident, there'd be 12 earths. It should have been so simple throughout the millions of years to have another accident. But if its just an incident that has happened only once, why this once? Why?

Religion exists because we can't find the answer to the simplest and most urgent question of humanity- What is our purpose?

Surely we are placed on this earth not by chance, surely we are not just numbers, surely we, being so different right down to our fingerprints and DNA, have a reason why we are put on this Earth.

Which man can know?

Only the creator will know the purpose of creation. Only one book has the story of humanity from creation to salvation written without any scientific contradiction right up to this point, and yes, it is the twenty-first century. The theory of the big bang coincides nicely with what you read in Genesis.

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

3 And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.

4 God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness.

http://www.umich.edu/~gs265/bigbang.htm:

About 15 billion years ago a tremendous explosion started the expansion of the universe. This explosion is known as the Big Bang. At the point of this event all of the matter and energy of space was contained at one point. What exisisted prior to this event is completely unknown and is a matter of pure speculation. This occurance was not a conventional explosion but rather an event filling all of space with all of the particles of the embryonic universe rushing away from each other. The Big Bang actually consisted of an explosion of space within itself unlike an explosion of a bomb were fragments are thrown outward. The galaxies were not all clumped together, but rather the Big Bang lay the foundations for the universe.

Creation is not an accident.
You're not an accident.

God is not a speculation.

2006-07-03T09:59:00.000-07:00

Because you only live once... RISK IT ALL.

2006-07-02T10:47:00.000-07:00

It amazes me that all my life I grew up in a christian background and never really knew what they were all talking about.

In my school, we learnt hymns like "jesus loves the little children", "this is the day the lord has made", "joy is a flag flown high from the bottom of my heart... where the king is the residence there".

There's a painting in my canteen of the miracle that Jesus did where he multiplied 5 loaves and 2 fishes for a multitude of hundreds or thousands.

Since primary school to secondary school, I attended chapel once every week in school and fell asleep in almost every chapel. The sermon was dry and boring, almost always by some wizened pastor with a white collar that maybe choked his sense of humour too.

So anyway its quite disturbing that when God is real to me, it amazes me that all my life I grew up with his word, his teachings all around and never felt that he is actually real.

In secondary school, despite all my nice christian upbringing, I simply decided that God didn't exist. How could he, if I lived in such a christian environment and still felt my life was so empty, and still felt so helpless? All those nice bible verses just didn't make any sense to me.

God can be distant when it's always a religion. Chapel, hymns, sermons- how can it mean anything if its just a kind of formality? If its a relationship, everything begins to take on a different meaning. When there's no intimacy in a relationship, the only other thing left is formality, empty actions and words, worship compelled by responsibility and not passion.

The way people get introduced to God can change their whole perspective of him. It's so important, especially when their salvation is at stake.

So I don't get why so many people do it the wrong way. Don't tell them that they'd go to hell, don't push your beliefs down their throat, don't act as though you're holier-than-thou, don't bring your friends to your own church just to flaunt your wonderful christian circle of friends and status ("oh, i'm so-and-so here, with so much responsibility, i have no time to be with you, just uh, hang around.") Seriously, who needs that? Or, even worse, approach strangers and scare them with your seriously fanatically-sounding preaching- all of which I have experienced.

Why not genuine, sincere love, which gives and asks for nothing in return?

2006-06-30T15:19:00.000-07:00

I feel that the older I grow the more I lose my sense of imagination. What happened? Words, characters, stories, drawings, inspiration that used to flow so easily now struggle to stream by. Time alone that used to be fun has just become lonely. My optimism has just turned into a depression I fight to keep at bay, sometimes so dark and acute I can't control. My love for people has curdled into something sour, something I have to constantly remind myself to do. My heart that used to be so soft is now hard with criticism and rejection. I older I grow the more I want to escape- but from what? I built this reality, this personality, this life I wake up to by my own choices. I'm weak, its true. But when I was young, I never dreamt so often of leaving the country to some foreign wonderland. No, I was so happy every morning to a future so distant and misty but nontheless existant. When I was young, I never craved for the things that I do now. When I was young, I never made excuses for my own emotions or for other people just to satisfy and patch up my own illusions. I never used to be so afraid of the unknown. I never used to be so tired all the time. I never used to be bored, period. I never used to be so withdrawn and closed-up. When I got lost in my thoughts, it was in fantasies and daydreams, not in doubts and fears. Life never used to be so monotonous and so boring, and frighteningly so.

Ah, I just want to be a kid again. You think the things they do are childish? Sometimes they have even more fun then us- so, seriously, what do kids have to look forward to in adulthood if it isn't more fun? Sssh, don't tell them it can be so bleak. Let's tell them what we were told, whatever will be, will be.

ISA 44:3  For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry 
ground; I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring, and my blessing on 
your descendants.

2006-06-28T10:17:00.000-07:00

Take my hand
I want nothing more
Take the lead
I can go no further
If I run I weep
Through desert sand
I lose my footing
Tell me things
I don't know
Take the trouble
To love me further
Test my love
I want to prove
Throw me in an embrace
I can't untangle
Through every trial
Please remember
Take my hand
I'm blind
Through desert sand
Into starry skies

2006-06-27T12:51:00.000-07:00

If you want
I'd give up everything for you
I'll pluck the stars and moon
I'll swim a million rivers and seas
If you want I'd scour the sands
I'd scar my hands
If you want
I'd love you with all my strength
If you want I'd die for you
My time, my breath
If you want so easily death
If you want I'd not exist
I'd have no identity but yours
If you want I'd starve, I'd cease
If you want I'd give myself
Until there's nothing left
Not a strand, a scent
If you want I'd take the risks
I'd fall a hundred times
I'd break and crash
If you want
Just say the word
Anything, everything
I'd succumb, I'd believe
If you want
I'd not resist

Because
Only in your love
I
Can live

2006-06-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

HE CHOSE THE NAILS, MAX LUCADO:

Five-year-old Madeline climbed into her father's lap.

"Did you have enough to eat?" he asked her.
She smiled and patted her tummy. "I can't eat any more."
"Did you have some of your Grandma's pie?"
"A whole piece!"

Joe looked across the table at his mom. "Looks like you filled us up. Don't think we'll be able to do anything tonight but go to bed."

Madeline put her little hands on either side of his big face. "Oh, but, Poppa, this is Christmas Eve. You said we could dance."

Joe feigned a poor memory. "Did I now? Why, I don't remember saying anything about dancing."

Grandma smiled and shook her head as she began clearing the table.

"But, Poppa," Madeline pleaded, "we always dance on Christmas Eve. Just you and me, remember?"

A smile burst from beneath his thick mustache. "Of course I remember, darling. How could I forget?"

And with that he stood and took her hand in his, and for a moment, just a moment, his wife was alive again, and the two were walking into the den to spend another night before Christmas as they had spent so many, dancing away the evening.

They would have danced the rest of their lives, but then came the surprise pregnancy and the complications. Madeline survived. But her mother did not. And joe, the thick-handed butcher from Minnesota, was left to raise his Madeline alone.

"Come on, Poppa." She tugged on his hand. "Let's dance before everyone arrives." She was right. Soon the doorbell would ring and the relatives would fill the floor and the night would be past.

But, for now, it was just Poppa and Madeline.

*

Rebellion flew into Joe's world like a Minnesota blizzard. About the time she was old enough to drive, Madeline decided she was old enough to lead her life. And that life did not include her father.

"I should have seen it coming," Joe would later say, "but for the life of me I didn't." He didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to handle the pierced nose and the tight shirts. He didn't understand the late nights and the poor grades. And, most of all, he didn't know when to speak and when to be quiet.

She, on the other hand, had it all figured out. She knew when to speak to her father- never. She knew when to be quiet- always. The pattern was reversed, horever, with the lanky, tattooed kid from down the street. He was no good, and Joe knew it.

And there was no way he was going to allow his daughter to spend Christmas Eve with that kid.

"You'll be with us tonight, young lady. You'll be at your grandma's house eating your grandma's pie. You'll be with us on Christmas Eve."

Though they were at the same table, they might as well have been on different sides of town. Madeline played with her food and said nothing. Grandma tried to talk to Joe, but he was in no mood to chat. Part of him was angry; part of him was heartbroken. And the rest of him would have given anything to know how to talk to this girl who once sat on his lap.

Soon the relatives arrived, bringing with them a welcome end to the awkward silence. As soon as the room filled with noise and people, Joe stayed on one side, Madeline sat sullenly on the other.

"Put on the music, Joe," reminded one of his brothers. And so he did. Thinking she would be honored, he turned and walked toward his daughter. "Will you dance with your Poppa tonight?"

The way she huffed and turned, you'd have thought he'd insulted her. In full view of the family, she walked out the front door and marched down the sidewalk. Leaving her father alone.

Very much alone.

*

Madeline came back that night but not for long. Joe never faulted her for leaving. After all, what's it like being the daughter of a butcher? In their last days together he tried so hard. He made her favorite dinner- she didn't want to eat. He invited her to a movie- she stayed in her room. He bought her a new dress- she didn't even say thank you. And then there was that spring day he left work early to be at the house when she arrived home from school.

Wouldn't you know that was the day she never came home.

A friend saw her and her boyfriend in the vicinity of the bus station. The authorities confirmed the purchase of a ticket to Chicago; where she went from there was anybody's guess.

*

The scrawny boy with the tattoos had a cousin. The cousin worked the night shift at a convenience store south of Houston. For a few bucks a month, he would let the runaways stay in his apartment at night, but they had to be out during the day.

Which was fine with them. They had big plans. He was going to be a mechanic, and Madeline just knew she could get a job at a depeartment store. Of course he knew nothing about cars, and she knew even less about getting a job- but you don't think of things like that when you're intoxicated on freedom.

After a couple of weeks, the cousin changed his mind. And the day he announced his decision, the boyfriend announced his. Madeline found herself facing the night with no place to sleep or hand to hold.

It was the first of many such nights.

A woman in the park told her about the homeless shelter near the bridge. For a couple of bucks she could get a bowl of soup and a cot. A couple of bucks was about all she had. She used her backpack as a pillow and jacket as a blanket. The room was so rowdy it was hard to sleep. Madeline turned her face to the wall and, for the first time in several days, thought of the whiskered face of her father as he would kiss her good night. But as her eyes began to water, she refused to cry. She pushed the memory deep inside and determined not to think about home.

She'd gone too far to go back.

The next morning the girl in the cot beside her showed her a fistful of tips she'd made from dancing on tables. "This is the last night I'll have to stay here," she said. "Now I can pay for my own place. They told me they are looking for another girl. You should come by." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a matchbook. "Here's the address."

Madeline's stomach turned at the thought. All she could do was mumble, "I'll think about it."

She spent the rest of the week on the streets looking for work. At the end of the week when it was time to pay her bill at the shelter, she reached into her pocket and pulled out the matchbook. It was all she had left.

"I won't be staying tonight," she said and walked out the door.

Hunger has a way of softening convictions.

*

If Madeline knew anything, she knew how to dance. Her father had taught her. Now men the age of her father watched her. She didn't rationalize it- she just didn't think about it. Madeline simply did her work and took their dollars.

She might have never thought about it, except for the letters. The cousin brought them. Not one, or two, but a box full. All addressed to her. All from her father.

"Your old boyfriend must have squealed on you. These come two or three a week," complained the cousin. "Give him your address." Oh, but she couldn't do that. He might find her.

Nor could she bear to open the envelopes. She knew what they said; he wanted her home. But if he knew what she was doing, he would not be writing.

It seemed less painful not to read them. So she didn't. Not that week, nor the next when the cousin brought more, nor the next when he came again. She kept them in the dressing room at the club, organized according to postmark. She ran her finger over the top of each but couldn't bring herself to open one.

Most days Madeline was able to numb the emotions. Thoughts of home and thoughts of shame were shoved into the same part of her heart. But there were occasions when the thoughts were too strong to resist.

Like the time she saw a dress in the clothing store window. A dress the same color as one her father had purchased for her. A dress that had been far too plain for her. With much reluctance she had put it on and stood with him before the mirror. "My, you are as tall as I am," he had told her. She had stiffened at his touch.

Seeing her weary face reflected in the store window, Madeline realized she'd give a thousand dresses to feel his arm again. She left the store and resolved not to pass by it again.

In time the leaves fell and the air chilled. The mail came and the cousin complained and the stack of letters grew. Still she refused to send him an address. And she refused to read a letter.

Then a few days before Christmas Eve another letter arrived. Same shape. Same color. But this one had no postmark. And it was not delivered by the cousin. It was sitting on her dressing room table.

"A couple of days ago a big man stopped by and asked me to give this to you," explained one of the other dancers. "Said you'd understand the message."

"He was here?" she asked anxiously.

The woman shrugged, "Suppose he had to be."

Madeline swallowed hard and looked at the envelope. She opened it and removed the card. "I know where you are," it read. "I know what you do. This doesn't change the way I feel. What I've said in each letter is still true."

"But I don't know what you've said," Madeline declared. She pulled a letter from the top of the stack and read it. Then a second and a third. Each letter had the same sentence. Each sentenced asked the same question.

In a matter of moments the floor was littered with paper and her face was streaked with tears.

Within an hour she was on a bus. "I just might make it in time."

She barely did.

The relatives were starting to leave. Joe was helping grandma in the kitchen when his brother called from the suddenly quiet den. "Joe, someone is here to see you."

Joe stepped out of the kitchen and stopped. In one hand the girl held a backpack. In the other she held a card. Joe saw the question in her eyes.

"The answer is 'yes'," she said to her father. "If the invitation is still good, the answer is 'yes'."

Joe swalled hard. "Oh my. The invitation is good."

And so the two danced again on Christmas Eve.

On the floor, near the door, rested a letter with Madeline's name and her father's request.

"Will you come home and dance with your poppa again?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

---

2006-06-23T10:29:00.000-07:00

In the play of shadows
In the stillness of silence
In the whisper of wind
In the soft kiss of rain
In the flicker of passing light
On my bedroom walls
In the tremble of rustling leaves
In the rhythm of eyelids
Open and close
In toiling thoughts...
Finally finding rest
In the gentle embrace of evening breeze
And twinkle of stars against cloudless skies
In the perfect harmony of this lulling night
For one moment
In this serenity
Hush

I find you.

2006-06-18T09:58:00.000-07:00

Don't blame God for the bad decisions you've made in your life when you want the freedom of choice.

2006-06-11T16:28:00.000-07:00

I lie awake
Yes wake awake
The sleeplessness that drowns me
Like a song that unwinds itself backwards
That I can drown on concrete pavements
With a feast can still starve
Is this sleeplessness
Like a fast run through the wilderness
Panting and gasping without having moved
Without having been anywhere
At any time or any place
Give me all your grace
This is the eyes wide open
Crying that they're blind
This is the helplessness
Trying to help it self
This is the brokenness
Trying to mend its cracks
This is my frailty and failures
This is my nakedness that I'm ashamed of
This is the world that I cannot condone yet am in
I struggle to sleep with and wake to
Yes I lie awake
Try to wake a wake
Realise
Everything about my life is a lie
You're all that I depend on
Save me from my unworthiness
I cling onto you
Like a drowning man clutching at straws
Because there's nothing left
I can cling onto
When the world's another drowning lover
This time
I just want to f l o a t

2006-06-11T07:45:00.000-07:00

I always hear people saying that light and darkness, good and evil must co-exist, and one cannot do without the other. So many teach that if there's goodness there's bound to be evil and we can only accept this evil- we can never get out of it, because darkness and light must co-exist. That's not true. Imagine if a room is so bright, so bright, there will be a time that it'll be bright enough there's not one shadow left. Light can engulf all darkness and shadows by itself.

Where did the devil Lucifer come from? From God? Why did God create the devil? Maybe God needs the devil because there must be a balance between good and evil so that we'll know what's good. Because if there's no evil, we don't know what's good.

Then again God doesn't need evil to demonstrate he is good. He is good, full-stop. It's not true that without evil we don't know what's good, without what's bad we don't know what's good. Are we that stupid? Don't we have a soul, a conscience, morals and things just innate, just instinctual in us telling us what's good? The same way we all agree murder is wrong, we just know in the snap of a finger, instinctively, what's GOOD. We don't need cruelty, torture, rape, oppression before we know it's good to have love, to have peace, to want these things even. Human nature has even in most primitive stages protected their communities, outcasted murderers, and all our societal values of what's right and wrong has evolved from those days. A modern group of men in business suits didn't sit around a table and decided what's good for us. We know what's good. What's only true about evil is that it exemplifies the light- the darker the shadow we know the brighter the light.

I don't believe in a balance of good and evil- cos if there's a balance, how can you tell who's really GOOD GOOD and who's really BAD BAD to go into heaven? If you have your own scale, you have this kind of 'goodness' whereby badness can also co-exist in that person, isn't it so subjective- is that fair? how can you judge goodness if evil can also co-exist? Like if a murderer starts to do good deeds for the rest of his life- which part of the black and white are you going to put him in- the grey area? he may have done much good, but are you sure that's enough to have excused his evil? i mean, who are you to judge and how are you to decide? just make sure one keeps doing good deeds until you feel that you've over-rode your bad deeds? however then, will you know if its enough, and are you fit to judge, when you don't even know the weight of your own sins? only God can decide? and if you put him in this grey area- how can there be a heaven filled with people from grey areas? it'll give us room to excuse our own short-comings and say, its okay to have done that, i can redeem myself and then i can still go to heaven. but can we ever redeem ourselves?

I feel that religions that condone this co-existence in the name of 'harmony' actually gives humanity a nice way out of committing evil. oh, just you know, do more good deeds, and redeem yourself. But why would I want to worship in a religion that tells me that I can redeem myself? You mean I can be on par with my God and the decision to go to heaven lies in whether in my own life I want to do enough good things to be in heaven? Why if my God is all-powerful can I be on par with him by my own imperfections? I'd much rather prefer a God SO GOOD that a lifetime of trying to do good things to redeem myself CANNOT EVEN qualify me for heaven. That's the heaven I want to go to, not a heaven filled with people who have redeemed themselves.

I don't want a God that's going to allow me to redeem myself especially when we're all sinners simply because- that's the extent of the goodness of God? If we have only sinned ONCE in our lifetime, we HAVE sinned, and our imperfection can never measure up at all to Him, imperfect people cannot redeem their own imperfections even if they spend their whole lives in a race of trying to attain 'perfection' or whatever others call this chase- nirvana? If we have no right or capability to judge our sins and how much goodness we can ever do to replace our sins- or if its even possible, then you'd agree that the only way we can replace our sins is by a complete purging of our lives- or letting us die and being borned again. And I only know one God that does it without me spending hundreds of lifetimes going through it physically to 'learn' some lessons- learn what? How many lifetimes do you need to know men's hearts are evil and the world is evil, and a hundred years before or after is exactly the same as today? You will never be perfect no matter how many lifetimes you live, because this is our humanity's flaw- we have a tendency to sin. You think in a hundred million lifetimes you can purge yourself after finally living half a millenium and undoing all the wrong things you've done and and you can be pure? You will commit a sin whether in this lifetime or in the 134th lifetime, and every life will have the temptation to sin.

2006-06-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

i suddenly thought of something. you know, sometimes we complain that God doesn't hear us. we think that our prayers and groanings are useless.

so i was thinking this, and my dog kept barking at me and scratching my bible- cos im looking at it la, and she wants my attention. then it striked me- its very hard for me to ignore her when i love her and i know she wants my attention. similarly, if we cry out to God so hard, i think, maybe this will sound a little boastful, but its hard for God to ignore us when he loves us. I don't think we'll be ignored eventually (i mean assuming you think there has been no response from him for some time..), because even the most imperfect of us will respond almost immediately to someone we love when they call for us- what more God?

so anyway, all my dog wanted was for me to pet her. then she barked and barked and barked... just for that. guess it doesn't matter the problem u present to God, just present it to him anyway, his love for u is great enough to die for u, i think he'd respond even when you say, i can't feel you, i'm feeling dry, and all i want is for you to touch me.

The door that never shuts- is the door of prayer.

2006-05-25T19:25:00.000-07:00

This morning I heard my mother crying in the shower.

I was packing my bag when i heard her whimpering and my heart almost broke- because, obviously, she hadn't intended on me listening. Then it striked me that she's so human. This is the woman who raised me and while I always thought she had all the answers, the older I grew, the more I realised that she wasn't perfect- but its one thing to know that she's not perfect and another to know that she's still struggling. She's lived through half her life and still crumbles apart. It takes a lot for a woman to be strong and carry on as if she's invincible, and then just when she thinks no one listens, fall apart. I don't know how to deal with it, because she's always this aggressive and domineering person, but suddenly she's even more fragile then a child.

So she steps out of the shower looking distraught and tells me, "bebe pray for me."

Maybe you live half your life and find that the world is as harsh, as cold, as it ever was. All your idealistic dreams of the future when you were growing up starts to disintegrate, and there's nothing left but the reality that everything's still the way it is. How do you deal with disappointments like this when it's your life that you're betting will get better and then it doesn't? And even after living half your life, you still realise life doesn't get better by yourself, you still find a need to turn to God, and tell your daughter "pray for me".

After living half your life, after all this time... you still find that you need God.

I wish I could take her place and undo the mistakes and the things she regrets. I wish I could help her to rewind time, take away all the painful experiences. I wish I could improve her life, somehow, and i don't know how to do that. It becomes very clear to me that the way she is today is a result of the choices she made yesterday. It becomes very clear to me that all these time, only one person has truly been with her and for her- and that's God. I've seen my relatives and her friends leave her one by one, and then it amazes me that while everything that could have gone wrong has gone wrong, she still finds the faith to believe that God exists because to her his presence has never really left her, and his love touches her until today. And I'm amazed at how God has never left her because of the miracles that he's done for her. When I was younger I was sceptical, but then it gets to a point that there are too many coincidences.

What is life? You can only make a decision today what you want your life to be for, and don't make a mistake about it, because forty years down the road, I don't want to fall apart in the shower, hoping my daughter doesn't hear me.

I was reading the fifth mountain by Paulo Coelho. The prophet says, my entire life is a wager. I bet that God exists. You know what, I bet he does too. What's the risk?

2006-05-24T21:50:00.000-07:00

HEH.

www.ctv.sg

2006-05-19T12:27:00.000-07:00

the mind chooses to see what it believes.

ultimately, it doesn't matter what you see but what you believe.

the da vinci code will show non-christians a side of christianity that's so unconventional they may actually like it, packed in this extremely entertaining chase for the holy grail. it will give christians a lot of explaining to do. why the controversy? it makes christians and non-christians think- do we believe too easily? do we believe what we see without a question? is jesus "the greatest lie" according to the da vinci code?

when i read the book i was really convinced by dan brown. then when i watched the movie i started to see the flaws. even if the church did decide which gospels they wanted, but if you believe in God, you believe he's all powerful, surely he's already known what gospels will be in his bible, and surely all the gospels of today's bible are there for his reason. i don't think God is so weak and vulnerable to have to have the priory of sion help him to fight for a secret bloodline. if you want to question why those gospels were chosen for the bible, you might as well question why those writers, and then you might as well question God. wait a second, who are you to question God? even if Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene, it doesn't deny the fact that all the gospels, including those rejected, say that Jesus was a wonderful person who preached love and did many miracles because he believed in One God.

and if you believe in the power of numbers, then you will know that if the church did vote on which gospels/doctrine should be inside the bible, simple maths, surely majority wins for a reason.

its an entertaining story, but its a story. so Dan Brown says in the story, it doesn't matter what you see, but what you believe.

yeah, ironic, cos those da vinci advocates should really learn from this line. it doesn't matter what you see in the movie, but what you believe. is God real or not? does he exist, and if he's living right now, he must have the power to preside over everything in life, and i'm sure that includes the book about him.

2006-05-10T11:39:00.000-07:00

Bondage.

I look around the lives of people and all I see sometimes is bondage.

Relationships.
Gambling.
Money.
Stress.

Sometimes you wonder why its so hard to live, when so many things are tying you down?

2006-05-08T09:18:00.000-07:00

:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

P E R S P E C T I V E

you can be happy or sad, its your choice
and anyhow, a day passes
the sun and moon the wind and tide
don't care for how you feel
it doesn't take you to stop the world from moving on
it goes on anyhow

Happiness is a choice, despite how ridiculous it can be

2006-05-03T11:26:00.000-07:00

lovely
you're so lovely
like the way the clouds drift
gentle like the sway
the sway of the petals
of the flowers of the field
of the tender movements
of the kiss of the wind
of the breath of the wind
against my skin
like the rain
trickling on window panes
the fresh wet greens
of the grass
like the sunset's
pinks and blues and golds
like the intimacy of how
thoughts can be
closer closerthan touch
like the blanket of stars
the lull of waves
one note on the piano
ringing in my heart
a lonely cloud
grazing the horizon
a seashell on an empty shore
that's what you are
like the loveliest things
the loveliest things
the loveliest things
in the world
is what you are

2006-04-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

waiting. waiting. waiting.

how much time do we spend waiting in our lives?

waiting for the traffic lights to change.
waiting for the queue to reach us.
waiting for the meal to arrive.
waiting for people to meet you.
waiting for the bus to arrive.
waiting to reach a destination.
waiting for days to pass.
waiting to graduate.
waiting to finish life?

life is a waiting queue...

What are you waiting for?

"If we wait until our lives are free from sorrow or difficulty, then we wait forever. And miss the entire point." Dirk Benedict

"If you always wanted to wait for something better, you'd never buy anything, right?" Trip Hawkins

2006-04-24T10:36:00.000-07:00

"Do you have a name?"
"I'm crazy."
"I'm serious."

i thunk i'm drink.

ta lala.. tra lalala. i'm not sure i've been taught the right things about life. i'm not sure honesty is a virtue and love is pure. i'm not sure innocence is a gift and charity brings you reward. i'm not sure kindness is all that matters in the end. i'm not sure harmony is so important anymore. i'm not sure that i can be sure. so tell me, why did i learn all these things, so that i could grow up with a beautiful idea of the world that gets thrashed later? i don't wanna leave the rose-tinted glasses by the sidewalk, but the rain is getting heavy. i would like to be the girl that flaps her arms like wings but it's getting embarrassing. i would like to love without holding back but it's getting unappreciated. i would like to give until i receive but it's getting painful. i would like to have many friends but then i know that some friendship requires a version of you that hasn't been updated as of 25/4/2006. i would like kids to continue to think that if they are kind and good-hearted they will become beautiful and have great endings like all great fairy-tales. but i see the cut throat parents who have long forgotten something called values, and how they send their kids to school to learn these things, i don't see the reason for that anymore. teach your kids, learn like me, you've gotta lie, you've gotta backstab, you've gotta bitch, kiss and duck, gotta fight and cry and crap your way through life. tell them money's all that matters, that friendship is as long as the gossip is rife and your friend's a useful pawn. tell them no one really appreciates what they do unless they want to take advantage of them. tell them the truth is that there is no truth, truth is as subjective as it is beneficial to you. tell them their lives could reach a brink where they don't know what they live for, tell them the world isn't kind to those who are kind. tell them they may search their whole lives for a love that is as fictional as the values you taught them and no longer preach or even if you do, no one else does. can't tell them that? i forgot which morning it was when i woke up to get told all of that. i forgot which morning it was i chose to leave my childhood behind. i forgot which morning i woke up and i forgot if i even slept. i forgot, and i would like to remember, but i don't know where to start.

please be kind to the children of the world, some of us aren't ready to grow up into this version of 'adulthood'.

2006-04-24T09:24:00.001-07:00

keep watch
tick tock
i'm counting the clock
lining the dots
the shadows are passing
a-passing they're passing
throughout the timings
the tidings the clickings
the swingings
non-stopping persuading
removing erasing moving
forward in towards
reverse rewind retry resign
i can't seem to find
how do i describe
but i'm watching
the clock and
eyes are on
it's on they're on
yours
you
your
shadows go over nose and lips
eyes are on
the frozen clock
hush the silence the silence the silence
the shadows stop stop stop in motion
nothing its nothing
dust locked in the air
eyes are on
you
yours
and not a
thing

moves

anymore

.

2006-04-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

hi, an update :)

these are the things i have done in my company:
1) make skipping ropes out of rubber bands until 7
2) tick attendance for a conference
3) make animation for powerpoint slides
4) make toys out of recycled materials
5) buy lunch for 8 people with a broken lift
6) left alone to man a booth
7) put word documents together
8) choreograph dance steps

can somebody please tell me the relevance of my work and how this """working experience"""" can possibly, if even a little at all, help me in my future endeavours. right, how about teaching me that office life is a boring routine of staring at the computer from 9 to 6 feeling all your life wasting before your eyes doing non-related stuff?

i'm out of my company!! :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

these few weeks has been traumatic, depressing and lonely. i have learnt how to be alone. learn how to spend time alone with myself. i mean 10 hours in the office, no one goes for lunch everyone buys back. its gotten so bad i realised these last few weeks i will talk to myself. think i've turn a little weird even. sigh.

i'm so glad its over.. i was trying so hard to make things work, just go through it, just go through it, just go through it. last thursday i made a mistake at work. so of course, i stayed back to amend it. and then my mom kept calling me cuz i was supposed to meet her. it was super stressful. i kept apologising to the person my supervisor put me with, "i'm soooooooooooo sorry i promise i'll help you do this tomorrow.. (looks at watch, 9) i've really got to go..." person huffs, "the boss wants to see you" boss gives me this disgusted look like i'm the worst person on earth, "Debbie you're SO bo chap. I want you to FINISH everything, you hear me???? From now on you FORWARD EVERY mail you send out to me, EVERY thing you do you report to me." WHAT THING??? I'm doing CRAP WORK what thing you want me to report to you??????????????? one mistake and you cannot even let it go? i already apologised, i already said i will stay back the next day until its corrected. and then until i cried at the computer, then they said in this repulsed tone, "you go home"

later they insisted to my mom they wanted to send somebody to walk me home. why do i find that so hard to believe. oh, probably because i was standing at the office downstairs for 15 minutes waiting for my parents to pick me up?

grrrrrrrr.. anger is seeping through me. it doesn't pay to tolerate people's insults and crap work does it?

anyway im so glad its over. i'll never go back there again.

2006-04-01T12:13:00.000-08:00

so around that corner
you can't see it with your naked eye
you walk out
walk around the little town
it's a fabulous pretty little city
it's sparkling in glass
and the smell is like roses
so above and beyond that tower
you can't see it from this perspective
there is a beautiful creature
like a mermaid or a fairy
something extraordinary
i tell you as we're crouching against this brick wall
there's a warm meal inside
what you can see isn't always the best
don't you know that
what you can see is the limit
what you can't see is beauty
it's heaven
it's freedom
and over those hills,
you don't know but there's a fairy kingdom
and no you can't see it
but believe me, i know it
i saw it in my mind
alala, alala, alalaha
and there's a choir singing somewhere behind
and if you're tired and want to leave
you just have to
close your eyes
close your eyes, close your eyes
and close mine.

2006-03-15T11:44:00.000-08:00

there are rules that are unspoken between guys and girls. you do not do not cross the line. when you do, that becomes flirting, no? that sends messages whether you like it or not. agree?

like, if your husband/boyfriend has a best friend. she's female, and he goes to eat with her after 10. he talks on the phone with her after 10. he rushes to her when she needs help anytime she calls. okay? no...

it's alright to have many many friends of the opposite sex, that's normal. but there should only be one best friend of the opposite sex, and that's the person you love. you simply cannot date someone, and then also have a best friend whereby you do everything for that person in the name of "friendship" except that you guys don't hold hands and kiss and sleep together.

do you really need only the physical aspects of dating to separate "Friendship" from "Relationship"?

the reason guys and girls cannot cross this line is because they are bound to get emotionally entangled together, and then love is bound to happen whether you like it or not on one side or the other... where do you tell that its not friendship anymore? it will inevitably become more.

you go beyond the boundary of what you should do for a person of the opposite sex in the name of "friendship", that's crap, ok.

2006-03-05T04:42:00.000-08:00

yes, i can
live a life based on something completely ficticious
imaginary, dreamy, unrealistically ficticious
yes, i can
float about in things so absolutely intangible they don't
i said they don't, hush.
yes, i can
be aware of the noise of silence and the words of -
yes, i can.
ksdfhwieruhfjdnaOFDSIJKAJN
can string words of poetry from the air
pluck musical notes from your lips
find feelings in the hardest concrete
because i exist.,
to believe..................................................................
in that secret little dusty corner
of the tiny rosebud
and the minuscule movement of the flapping of wings
there lies my beautiful
*d*r*e*a*m*
and yes it lies admidst the stars

2006-03-01T09:54:00.000-08:00

WAHAHHAHAA!
WAAAAAAHAHAHHHHAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

:))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'M FREE~!

WAHAHA.

BYE.

2006-02-26T07:18:00.000-08:00

This is the last day you're going to be alive.

You don't know why you know it, you don't think you know it, you know it. You're lying on a hospital bed and your family crowds around you. The white ceiling? You've stared at it for the past 3 months. You know they say, before you die, your life flashes before you. What rubbish, you think, nothing is flashing. What were you expecting, some slow replay of the greatest moments in life? No, its just a panic that is slowly rising your heartbeat. Panic. Panic. Panic. Why?

Two questions come into your mind:

WHAT HAVE I BEEN LIVING FOR?

WAS IT WORTH IT?

You have 2 seconds.

Game Over.

2006-02-23T08:02:00.000-08:00

I TELL YOU,

do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:19-34

2006-02-19T05:29:00.000-08:00

one night will summarise how the rest of your life has been.

i come home and there's cups and plates in the sink no one has (and no one will) touch for the next 24 hours until by some miracle some creature (there are no humans living here, humans are hygienic right?) decides to wash the dishes. my dad's headed out of the house despite it being 9.29pm to watch a midnight movie all my himself. i hate it!! i hate it can you stop being so lonely and going out by yourself??! i really want to accompany you but i am SO tired can you just come home and not make me feel so guilty. my mom is going on and on about the government giving out money, my dog is barking at me because she demands my leg, my elder sister's sleeping upstairs cos she's been watching korean drama series 24/7 and my twin sister, sometimes i suspect i get her better on msn then going next to her to say a sentence. there is no one online that i can talk to, and i haven't slept although i am damn tired cos my friend hasnt handed up some feature writing evaluation thingy as she has no laptop for like the past one month she just hasnt fixed it and so i have to wait for her call to type it out for her.

sometimes life is really disgustingly terrible

i dyed my hair red! :) yeah, one productive thing.

From "He chose the nails" by Max Lucado:

"Jesus never knew the fruits of sin... until he became sin for us.

And when he did, all the emotions of sin tumbled in on him like shadows in a forest. He felt anxious, guilty, and alone. Can't you hear the emotion in his prayer? "My God, my God, why have you rejected me?" (Matt 27:46). These are not the words of a saint. This is the cry of a sinner.

2006-02-17T15:19:00.000-08:00

guess what i got for my science tech and the world test.

27/30.

i'm not kidding you.

WAHAHAHAHA. woah right! i am a smart girl! :P

i'm one of the top few in the class okay, all those chemical engineering students can just bang their heads against the wall now. WAHAHAHA. i heard somebody mutter.. how can Debbie get 27?! yes i did, WAAHAHA, so!

yay i'm VERY HAPPY all my work is over. left exams now. must do very well!! advertising presentation was very good.. heheheeeeeeee. we rehearsed the entire night! like maybe 7 times. i realised that the feeling of not sleeping the whole day is like you are a dead corpse being dragged along by a rope.. except that you're also the person holding the rope. i really felt like dying, just wanted to go home and sleep. and now its 7.22 am! haha i love to sleep. mm presentation was ok. i thought my poster was very nice.. you know that this whole sem i've been doing every single photoshop work in my project, except feature writing.

2006-02-15T09:12:00.000-08:00

wah today my parents are very kua zhang.

you know that some gunman shot someone at serangoon where i live nearby.. so my dad smsed the whole family and my mom immediately called all of us and demanded that we all go to town as its very safe. so we all were forced to go to town and spend the rest of today even though i was quite tired after tv pro.. hahaha.. they think that the gunman so easy to find and attack us huh.. aiyo. what if we were living in the US where everyone has a gun? my parents would have heart attack everyday.

2006-02-12T11:26:00.000-08:00

will you talk to me about yourself
i just want to fill up the air
i won't listen i just want to feel
like i'm having a conversation
because maybe that'll translate
into some kind of stupid thing
like i think that's what they call
company?
i'll stare at you and pretend to
listen, and the colours around me
are bleeding, they're bleeding
and the clouds are swirling
its all white and a mash of colours
i can't hear you but i think you know
that it doesn't matter
i just need you to be here
we can fake the rest of this conversation
later
when words will start to actually matter
i hope they never do
i just need you to hold my hand
don't you know if you take my hand
i will know you'll on my side
then it won't matter what you say
even as this world fades away
and the colours recede, corrode, erode
and it will, but you're holding my hand
and i forget what i'm saying too
does it matter?

2006-02-12T11:00:00.000-08:00

SO WHAT IF YOU'RE ON TV?

very big deal, apparantly. tv has this amazing ability to make you seem so extremely personal to ONE person such that ONE person can fall in love with you on ONE tv, and that makes you a star overnight cos everybody felt they had a PERSONAL experience with you. CRAP. we know that, but then why do we still only get interested in people after they appear on tv?

i am thinking about tv and people noticing people only after they get on tv cos of singapore idol. really, as much as taufik/sly/olinda fans claim their love for them, had they walked past them one afternoon on orchard road in pre-idol days, they might not have even turned their heads to scream and badger their beloved idol. but then well, they went on tv..........

2006-02-09T10:32:00.000-08:00

i'm in tears i'm really in tears. there's so much work and i dont even know where to begin. asdkfkfflsjddfsjlkdsljkdsjklfdsljkfslkjsdfjkldsljksdjkldsjlkf HELP. im so tired.............................................................................................................
.........................................................

2006-02-05T18:35:00.000-08:00

:(((((((((((((((((

I SERIOUSLY REGRET that i'm in Science Technology & the World.

SHUCKS, cant i have a easier IS?

I'm not cultivated to love science, you know.

what genetic engineering, tissue engineering and nanotechnology. argh. i would have chosen a science course if im so interested. WHY WHY WHY did i turn up late for the picking and end up with this???

now i actually have to study it..................................................................
...........................................................................kldjsadlfjkwerfdimspsst

2006-01-22T04:11:00.000-08:00

is this the way it has to be?
is it always this continual drowning
will it always snow and rain and bleed?
will the weather not spare us one ray
will the waters not calm
will we always be warring
will emotions always be overwhelming?
should we be used to this sinking
should we learn not to even think?
always on knees praying, praying, praying
Father, Father
don't you see the multitude
like grains of sand uncountable
crying out for you
and they're saying
one touch from you and
i surrender, i surrender, i surrender
taste your presence once
and i will love you
forever
surely you will find us from the darkest corner
surely even from the deepest of depths
surely you will reach out
surely you hear those cries
those cries of hunger
surely you will never disappoint

2006-01-12T07:56:00.000-08:00

"In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind." (Job 12:10)

Creation testifies of the Creator.
they testify the work, protection and presence of His Hands.

2006-01-10T06:37:00.000-08:00

Tell me how
Wayward you can disappear
Journeying through your wonderland
I'll pick up my skirt and give chase
We can drown in the music
Step on the clouds
Sail through the galaxies
Hollering on the backs of unicorns
Because I see how lonesome your silhouette is
I thought I could take one step in there
Stop your tears or swim in them
Whatever makes you happy?
See this is how foolish I can be
But no matter, take my hand
We can jump yards over this lunacy
It doesn't matter how we fall
Maybe we'll mistake it for flight
They say life is always about the voyage
I tell you they are wrong
It's a crossing to take someone's hand
We can go into the light of day
Into a note in a song
Into a breath in the wind,
Seraphim.

2006-01-07T10:59:00.000-08:00

It's beautiful how we can persist after dreams.

They are nothing more then intangible mists. Nothing more then the air spun into illusions.

But we cling onto them, and some of us take it a step further. We risk life for it; we risk time, sleep, and energy for it. We risk relationships, sanity, money, and everything that sustains us for something that we might not even be sure exists.

But it's so beautiful... its so beautiful how we're so stupid.

Sometimes we fight so hard for these dreams we become bitter. The harder we chase; the distance never seems to change. It's like we're running after something we can see at a distance but while it always seems so probable, every step is equally futile.

I would like to add that suddenly, before you know it, you've reached your dream after hard hunting. But the truth is it doesn't always work like that. This world does not always reward the hard workers, or the righteous, or the innocent, the loving and the sacrificial.

Some people spend their whole lives chasing after a dream... to the graves.

The beauty is that we are willing to give up everything for a fleeting glimpse of happiness.

At some point in your life you have to accept everything about this world and yourself and the people in it before you lose your mind.

At some point the only thing constant and unchanging is your daily chase.

At some point you lose sight of what your dream really is.

At some point you start to wonder where God is in all of these.

But you have to believe.

Because the alternative is just too bleak...

MARK 9:
23
Jesus said to him, " 'If you can!' Everything is possible to one who has faith."
24
Then the boy's father cried out, "I do believe, help my unbelief!"

Help My Unbelief

2006-01-06T04:43:00.000-08:00

I AM SICK OF YOU.

i am sick of people treating me like trash. i am sick of people networking. i am sick of people who think i will always be there for them and are never there for me. i am sick of people who treat me like i am a substitute. i am sick of people who manipulate me and i know it when you do. i am sick of people who put me down to lift themselves up. i am sick of people who vent their frustrations on me because i am an easy target. i am sick of people who expect perfection from me when they are less then perfect. i am sick of people who only want to talk about themselves and barely know a thing about me. i am sick of giving way to people who will never think about my position. i am sick of compromising and keeping quiet.

2005-11-27T03:48:00.000-08:00

wahahhaaha this is very funny. a conversation on msn. i am in purple.

kira says:
hv u watched chicken little?
kira says:
oops no
kira says:
erm wats tat show
kira says:
erm..
kira says:
gosh i cant remember
§°¤ ĐëBßĬë ¤°§ say the word and i will sing for you says:
haha
§°¤ ĐëBßĬë ¤°§ say the word and i will sing for you says:
slowly remember
kira says:
wait ar i go check
kira says:
ya
kira says:
harry
kira says:
harry potter
§°¤ ĐëBßĬë ¤°§ say the word and i will sing for you says:
wahahahhaa
§°¤ ĐëBßĬë ¤°§ say the word and i will sing for you says:
omgnessssssssssssssssssssss
kira says:
lol
kira says:
hUh?
§°¤ ĐëBßĬë ¤°§ say the word and i will sing for you says:
u cannot even remember harry potter?!!!
kira says:
y omgness?
kira says:
cant
kira says:
lolx
kira says:
it juz slipped off my mind

where got ppl cannot remember HARRY POTTER wannnnn?!!! *throw slippers*

2005-11-26T09:18:00.001-08:00

i miss my twin sister :( i miss her irritating conversations and self-centredness. it is always very narcissistic conversations about her, her, her, her, but she most probably doesn't realise it. sighs. she is in the mountains of lijiang, china where the women used to rule. i think the picture on her blog is just so UGLY, but she likes it. it is really very ugly larh. but since she is in lijiang she will not read this. eeee faith so ugly you still put up??? eeeee.

anyway, what's up with french kissing on the mrt? i saw it the other day...

its ok, i think, if its a romantic kind, like suddenly they caught each other's eyes but helloooo this is SING-GAH-PORE what's wrong with you? its not France where outside the mrt there's mountains and mist and fields of yellows and reds. it is this freaking humid mrt with ah pehs digging their nose, schoolchildren milling around and one very uncomfortable tertiary student staring at your disgusting french kiss. want to act hollywood first be in hollywood. ugh.

2005-11-20T09:26:00.000-08:00

don't you know
that the stars have long faded?
that the feeble light
they give in the night
the little comfort from starlight
has long died out?
don't you know
it's nothing worth holding onto?
don't you know all the pretty things
don't you know its nothing
don't you know they all decay
don't you know they all fade away
don't you know nothing will be left
when it is the age of dust
don't you know you're bonded
by things you cannot even see
don't you wonder why you struggle
don't you wonder why there's pain
aren't you drowning everyday
aren't you falling in everyway
and don't you wish for flight?
starlight, starbright
first star i see tonight
wish i may wish i might
have the wish i wish tonight.
i wish to be

Be set free.

"You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free." John 8:32

2005-10-30T08:38:00.000-08:00

i believe in FOREVER.

Church service on sat, Dr Robb Thompson, left me with that feeling.

WHY have short-term relationships if the person won't be there with you at the end of the road?

it would equate to a waste of your time.

i want FOREVER, because you are important to me, because i love you, because i want to see you still holding onto me at the end of the road. because i don't want to waste my time on people who will forget me as soon as a year goes by, because i can't exchange a second of my life for all the money in the world, it means it is even more precious then all the money in the world.

because i am tired of things that are temporary,

because all i am looking for is love forever, not love for awhile.

what are you looking for?

2005-10-27T15:55:00.000-07:00

great expectations. christians always get the greatest expectations.

i've figured the answer why. no where else in any philosophy or religion do you get such advice:

matthew 5:44 "But I tell you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who mistreat you and persecute you."

Matthew 5:38:45 "You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you, Do not resist one who is evil. But if any one strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also; and if any one would sue you and take your coat, let him have your cloak as well; and if any one forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to him who begs from you, and do not refuse him who would borrow from you. You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust."

in this day and age, to be like jesus is so hard. i look at the verse and i can't help but wonder- is jesus insane? it's humanly impossible to be that perfect. didn't this world crucify perfection?

hmm.

2005-10-26T04:34:00.000-07:00

Work ...
like you don't need the money.
Love ...
like you've never been hurt.
Dance ...
like nobody's watching.
Sing ...
like nobody's listening.
Live ...
like it's Heaven on Earth.

hi i am back! :)

2005-10-20T07:52:00.000-07:00

sighs.

i am in the airport!

how i wish i could jet off. hongkong for supper, paris for breakfast, egypt for dinner. woots.

everyone has been on a holiday! i feel so stiffled.

enough orchard road, try stripping to excite me please.

2005-10-16T11:13:00.000-07:00

i hope i marry someone who will be up at 3am! wahaha, cos you see, i am so fond of staying up during holz, and i doubt it's going to change. pah, eyebags, i dont care so much already, there comes a time in your life you just accept everything about yourself, other wise by then you'd have jumped down, eyebags, bad sleeping habits and all.

2005-10-14T14:44:00.000-07:00

2 interesting sites...

http://www.visionsofjesuschrist.com/weeping596.htm

http://www.visionsofjesuschrist.com/weeping1.htm

-

this anonymous person says in the Exorcism of Emily Rose forum (http://www.eteamrevolution.net/culturecommission/the-exorcism-of-emily-rose), "HELL is real friend you dont have to see a movie about that so what if there is a real hell please dont die to find out trust christ now ask questions later john 3 16"

HAHA i really laughed when I read it.

2005-10-13T06:32:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to fall
Swoosh past trees and buildings
Let memories become a blur
Let me lose myself in the speed
Let nothing be fast enough to hurt me
Let nothing come close enough to touch me
Fallfallfallfast
Seeking solace in nothingness
Finding emptiness in the happiness
I thought perhaps the tears wouldn't even
Touch me
If I fly so fast, how can they catch up?
But even then I hit
rock bottom
Everythingcatchesupatthebottom,
Doublydoublyhard.

How could I have mistaken a
F
A
L
L
For flight?

How can you?

2005-10-09T16:42:00.000-07:00

hello
This is how
AH LIANS
write poetry you know
they think they anyhow
paragraph paragraph poetry
already.

2005-10-07T14:42:00.000-07:00

so you know...
i really care. it is when i don't say anything. it doesn't mean that i don't think about you, or wonder how you are.

2005-09-29T09:36:00.000-07:00

Wednesday night, I went to watch a play "when the dam breaks" with my beloved faith at the Old Parliament. the play starts at 8 and at 7.50 we peeked into the room, to find no one. yes, not a soul. a man approaches us, "eh. are you watching?" awkward smile. "haha. erh. yeah." eyes dance around. how come no one? "we will start at 8"

where got such thing go and watch a play and you and your sister are the only 2 people. i couldn't stop laughing because can u imagine?! what if you spent months training and preparing for a play and only 2 people show up? damn, the singapore art scene is worse then the state in new orleans. its pathetic.

when we went downstairs to buy food, one actor goes downstair to find us. "we are starting soon.. come upstairs ok?" HAHA.. This is VIP treatment without asking for it. omgness. they are so sad they've got to run around the old parliament and find the only 2 people watching their play to see if anyone's going to turn up.

eventually there were only 4 people includg us, thr was one other old man and another intellectual-looking malay girl. the old man FELL ASLEEEP! there's 4 people sitting right in front of the stage he can still sleep. HA! the play is so BORING. about politics and war, i know they're serious topics but really, too intellectual for me. and the actors, they've got nobody, so they keep their eyes on my face. i can't look away, i can't yawn, i can't sleep, i HAVE to act interested. hell, its hard when they are talking with newspaper jargon.

at the end, one actor says, "where have all the flowers gone? where have all they gone? to the young girls of course, to the young girls. oh when will they ever learn? when will they ever learn?" THEN POINT AT ME. audience interaction with 4 (-1, sleeping) is admittedly difficult.

2005-09-08T01:46:00.000-07:00

i don't know when it happened...
that i started loving you...
loving your face, your voice, your toenails...
your armpit... now you have left me... and i am nothing, without euuuuuu.. your toenails. your lovely toenails.

HAHA.
ok stop it girls!!!!!!!!! stop being depressed over guys who jilt you, who don't love you..
its enough they mess up your lives, they shouldn't have the right to mess up your blogs. from someone who actually writes coherently you become depressed.

let me tell you it isn't deep at all, no it isn't.

it takes a lot more courage to live happily then it is to give in to sadness.

that is a weakness, that is a flaw, that is shallow because it is so much easier to say you are hurt and no one understands what on earth you are going through... it is easier to do that cliche crap then be someone special who will laugh at their own mistakes and admit that life has a lot of challenges but ultimately god loves you, there are people who care for you, and there is a very beautiful person waiting to be happy inside... if you'll let it.

2005-07-28T09:27:00.000-07:00

Fire drills should be banned forever! Why on earth must you imagine a fire? It's so stupid! its a complete waste of time. all the years we prepared for fire drills.. when did a fire ever take place? want to take precaution for fire, SARS, might as well for AIDS, cancer, hepatitis, fire, flood, terrorist attacks... thinking about it this world is so dangerous. if you disagree i hope you are taking your temperature every morning. in fact let's all take precaution for all the dangers in this world, and walk around in fire, bullet and water-proof vests... let's order in bulk from NASA.

2005-07-02T12:56:00.000-07:00

Don't settle for less. You don't live long enough to have time to make peace with your regrets.

2005-05-27T05:23:00.000-07:00

The skeletons
Who had previously resided in my closet,
Have now taken the form of angels.
The evenings take shape as they float above;
Somewhere between the cold white ceiling
And my own self.
Barely breathing,
But already so dead,
The walls of my essence are bare,
And I've broken all of the mirrors in my heart.
My neighbors have a cat and a telephone,
And even though I "see" someone,
There's no one to talk to
But the kitchen sink.
-- Serena Moore

2005-05-23T16:05:00.000-07:00

so depressed..... ......
black cloud over my head.
school.
but then u must believe
God doesn't play dice.

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
http://www.acts17-11.com/cows_plans.html